During this conversation, in a wave of over earnestness I said that I didn't care about the Pandora bracelet and that I would rather have him express himself towards me. Showing me that he appreciated (maybe even loved) me would have meant more than any gorgeous precious metal wrist object that men usually buy women to show how much they mean (why the fuck did I say that!). He decided to bury his head in the sand and we resolved nothing after that conversation. I gave him his ultimatum and he decided to take the lazy/cowardly option of concluding nothing so as to stay in a broken relationship because it was easier than moving all his stuff out and going back to his parents.... hmm. After that night, the energy between us improved for about 2 seconds and then we were back to hating/resenting/being obsessed (just me) with each other again.
I needed to feel free, gorgeous like a woman, I needed to feel loved, worshiped, caressed, cared for and at the very least appreciated again. So I opted for the passions of a married man one Saturday night out with friends. Nothing happened. Apart from deep eye contact, close and personal conversation, intense snogging and gropping. It was like being 16 again... it was wonderful. I had absolutely no guilt. I loved it. I never saw him again. It was what it was and it was fucking yummy. Just what I needed.
Then I got invited to Amsterdam for a few days and when I returned He was ill. As sick as a dog. The stress from his project at work had finally taken it's toll on his body and he was shitting through the eye of a needle. What a great opportunity for Mother Garozzo to come out and play. I didn't need a second invitation to act out this past life wierdness. You know that sometimes when we made love I would pretend he was my son. A very sick little fetish but one that made me come every time. He managed to get a little better so that we could go to Silverstone on our motorbikes but fell ill again at the Hilton and so I called the Ambulance. Poor thing. I wanted to wrap Him up in cotton wool and chain him to my bed for decades, feeding him bland food, paracetomol and rehydration fluid. I had my role while he was sick and I loved it. He showed me appreciation. The smell of his morning breath was so sweet to me, I would have bottled it and used it a drawer fragrance.
Scitsophrenically, by the end of his week off, I was quite eager for him to get back to work. I needed my head space (often physical space is emotional space too) and I'd started feeling pissed off at him again as he played more and more World of Warcraft which switches him off from emotions such as compassion and gratitude. You get grunts every nownagain, but that's about it. By this time I was furious. "How could you?!" I thought. After all the TLC I've given you!!! At least I deserve a cuddle, a kiss, maybe even some sex? But no... his libido dissapeared. I had to start masturbating EVERY DAY. It did help a bit, but by the end of every night, anticipating the back turn and the first snore, I just started to close myself down. It was easier to be angry and resentlful of him for self protection purposes.
After the summer solstice something shifted. I felt the energy change. There was a certainty that the end was coming soon. I didn't know how but I knew I had to get him out of my house otherwise I would end up in a mental home after stabbing him and myself with a fork. I think it came as an unexpected shock to him and I don't think that he quite believed that it wasn't the alchol talking. On the eve of Saturday 25th June I asked him to make a phone call to his parents and tell them to make his bed up. On the hungover morning of the 26th, I hadn't changed my mind. I went to bed the night before shouting at myself "You can do this! You have to do this!" I prayed to God and Archangel Michel to give me the strength and courage to follow through and a coldness came over me. Without it I would have woosed out for sure. On the Sunday morning I left for a day out. An impromptu invitation to a Mind Body Spirit Festival saved the day. By the time I returned he had gone.
Monday 27 June 2011
Thursday 26 May 2011
Back to square one?
Ho hum, dingalingaling... WTF! Italy was NOT what I thought it would be. It wasn't the answer to my prayers. It was a disaster. I hated mostely every minute of it. I longed to come home. My heart was here at Freshwater View. Having had therapy for it now I realise that I was trying to learn the language to please my father. 'Oh won't Daddy be proud of me if I can speak Italian! It's what he wants for me!' The fact is, I have very few fond memories of Italy/Sicily. When I was younger I got dragged there kicking and screaming. Everything about the place was different to what I was used to. Too much food, too much sun, too many people, too much noise, too much chaos, too many public displays of affection and no creature comforts (especially during the winter months). The people spoke differently, I couldn't understand them, I felt isolated and they all looked like wrinkly monsters... there was no joy to be had, apart from the odd Cannoli. So I went to Italy this time round, off my own back to try and make peace with it, but it failed. Ah well... lesson learned.
In the meantime... things have fucked up again with the man. I don't know if it can be resolved this time, even though I want it to. I think we are too different. He is very inflexible and I won't settle for second best. I am second best to a computer game... He's having flat screen affair! After work I think it's nice to talk, to bond, to share cooking or walking but no... he runs to his cave. When I do talk to him, he appears disinterested. Of late, I think we've been as bad as each other. I just can't be arsed listening to his negative slagging off of other people, even if it is in jest. I had so much fun on Saturday afternoon in Manchester with a mate that when I met Him later that night, my mood just dropped...and I thought, 'what am I doing here?' I just can't seem to be myself around him. He just looks at me funny when I am. What's that all about?
I want to try and work on things but he reckons we are unworkeroutable. I said that if he wants to finish it, I want him out over the weekend! He wasn't impressed.
He's due home any minute... I'll let you know how it goes.
In the meantime... things have fucked up again with the man. I don't know if it can be resolved this time, even though I want it to. I think we are too different. He is very inflexible and I won't settle for second best. I am second best to a computer game... He's having flat screen affair! After work I think it's nice to talk, to bond, to share cooking or walking but no... he runs to his cave. When I do talk to him, he appears disinterested. Of late, I think we've been as bad as each other. I just can't be arsed listening to his negative slagging off of other people, even if it is in jest. I had so much fun on Saturday afternoon in Manchester with a mate that when I met Him later that night, my mood just dropped...and I thought, 'what am I doing here?' I just can't seem to be myself around him. He just looks at me funny when I am. What's that all about?
I want to try and work on things but he reckons we are unworkeroutable. I said that if he wants to finish it, I want him out over the weekend! He wasn't impressed.
He's due home any minute... I'll let you know how it goes.
Wednesday 27 April 2011
Life has been good
Life has been very good recently. I've seen the abundance flow in. Cheques have been coming through the hole in the front door and I have been picking money off the money tree. All has been functioning well and there have no hold ups or inconveniences. Even on my way down to Dorset on Good Friday, I found a nice stream in the traffic which managed to get me there in a calm non tarey hairey outey kind of fashion.
However, I have noticed a little wobble in my demenour today. I will briefly point out where I am in relationship to where I want to be, just to put you in the picture. I am going to Italy on Sunday for two weeks to do a language course. I am frightened of going because I'm staying with a family that I don't know and I also don't want to leave Him. He also mentioned yesterday about what was going to happen after his contract expired at work (end of May) and if I was still considering living in Italy. I wobbled like a trifle. I don't want to think about it but I know I have to.
Life has the potential to be very exciting indeed. There is a lot of fun to be had and many many possibilities to encounter. And while I realise that it is perfectly normal to be shaking like a leaf, I acknowledge that it is simply a human fear reaction which I shall not give much attention to. I am going to tell a different story. Italy will be the most amazing experience ever. It is something that I am doing for myself. No one is forcing me. Everything that I've ever done off my own back has always been fantastic. Every risk I ever took has always reaped good results. So why should this be any different? As for my living situation with Him, that will sort itself out too, I'm sure. I don't feel the need to go backpacking as I'm in love with my work and the possibilities that that will bring, however I am open to small stints away and possibly living in Italy for 3 months or so next year. If he does decide to go backpacking for 4 months or so, I am interested to see what he has to say when I put my point forward about us having an open relationship. For someone so intent on monogamy, this will be interesting.
I will let you know.
However, I have noticed a little wobble in my demenour today. I will briefly point out where I am in relationship to where I want to be, just to put you in the picture. I am going to Italy on Sunday for two weeks to do a language course. I am frightened of going because I'm staying with a family that I don't know and I also don't want to leave Him. He also mentioned yesterday about what was going to happen after his contract expired at work (end of May) and if I was still considering living in Italy. I wobbled like a trifle. I don't want to think about it but I know I have to.
Life has the potential to be very exciting indeed. There is a lot of fun to be had and many many possibilities to encounter. And while I realise that it is perfectly normal to be shaking like a leaf, I acknowledge that it is simply a human fear reaction which I shall not give much attention to. I am going to tell a different story. Italy will be the most amazing experience ever. It is something that I am doing for myself. No one is forcing me. Everything that I've ever done off my own back has always been fantastic. Every risk I ever took has always reaped good results. So why should this be any different? As for my living situation with Him, that will sort itself out too, I'm sure. I don't feel the need to go backpacking as I'm in love with my work and the possibilities that that will bring, however I am open to small stints away and possibly living in Italy for 3 months or so next year. If he does decide to go backpacking for 4 months or so, I am interested to see what he has to say when I put my point forward about us having an open relationship. For someone so intent on monogamy, this will be interesting.
I will let you know.
Monday 11 April 2011
Cleaning up my vibration around money
I know this has nothing to do with being a wannabe reformed relationship addict but let's try it...
Money... ah that subject. I know that I'm a little resistant to money flowing into my life but I'm gonna try this. Hmmm.... this is much harder than I thought. I don't know where to start. I can start by appreciating everything that I've got right now. Even though there are things to be done, I just get my head down and do them without complaining. I like doing the 'mundane' things somethings as they give me an opportunity to just relax. I understand that in a parallell universe not too far away there is a version of Sally who has attracted lots of money into her life. And as I think about that version of me coming closer, I begin to feel better, more exhillerated. I can see her now..... (dream thought bubbles)
I remember the day when money started flowing to me. It was when I just relaxed, when I gave up the struggle. Right now, I don't even think about money. I love it know that it's a reflection of how much I value myself and the way that I feel. I know it will always be there ..even when it's not. Which is a strange concept but very freeing. Money started flowing to me when I gave up the struggle to find it. I always had enough to live on and I always did my bit. I just knew I would always make my payments at the end of each month and the money would always come in from somewhere. So after having done a few of these workshops, I noticed that thoughts started to come to me, horse names and numbers, ideas for books and songs. I became so enthused and excited by these that I started to relax and that's when they royalties and money started flowing in. I have recieved money from my book and learn to sing series 'I Can Make You Sing!' I teamed up with Paul McKenna for that one. I have money from this blog because the publishers loved it so much, with all it's juicy detail, I started getting mega royalities from my music and now I'm writing more of that. My life has just completely changed. All I did was this style of writing, open myself to new ideas flowing in as a result and then took inspired action. All of the action has felt very easy and natural to me. None of it hard work... I didn't even need to do that much.'
Right now I appreciate everything that I've got and everything that I've not got. I am sitting here in my office. I've had a fantastic weekend, the sun is pouring in and I have a beautiful day ahead of me doing the things I love doing.... Italian, motorbiking, singing and teaching. For now, that has to be good enough and it is. I am so excited about what's coming, it feels so close.
Money... ah that subject. I know that I'm a little resistant to money flowing into my life but I'm gonna try this. Hmmm.... this is much harder than I thought. I don't know where to start. I can start by appreciating everything that I've got right now. Even though there are things to be done, I just get my head down and do them without complaining. I like doing the 'mundane' things somethings as they give me an opportunity to just relax. I understand that in a parallell universe not too far away there is a version of Sally who has attracted lots of money into her life. And as I think about that version of me coming closer, I begin to feel better, more exhillerated. I can see her now..... (dream thought bubbles)
I remember the day when money started flowing to me. It was when I just relaxed, when I gave up the struggle. Right now, I don't even think about money. I love it know that it's a reflection of how much I value myself and the way that I feel. I know it will always be there ..even when it's not. Which is a strange concept but very freeing. Money started flowing to me when I gave up the struggle to find it. I always had enough to live on and I always did my bit. I just knew I would always make my payments at the end of each month and the money would always come in from somewhere. So after having done a few of these workshops, I noticed that thoughts started to come to me, horse names and numbers, ideas for books and songs. I became so enthused and excited by these that I started to relax and that's when they royalties and money started flowing in. I have recieved money from my book and learn to sing series 'I Can Make You Sing!' I teamed up with Paul McKenna for that one. I have money from this blog because the publishers loved it so much, with all it's juicy detail, I started getting mega royalities from my music and now I'm writing more of that. My life has just completely changed. All I did was this style of writing, open myself to new ideas flowing in as a result and then took inspired action. All of the action has felt very easy and natural to me. None of it hard work... I didn't even need to do that much.'
Right now I appreciate everything that I've got and everything that I've not got. I am sitting here in my office. I've had a fantastic weekend, the sun is pouring in and I have a beautiful day ahead of me doing the things I love doing.... Italian, motorbiking, singing and teaching. For now, that has to be good enough and it is. I am so excited about what's coming, it feels so close.
Sunday 10 April 2011
Day ? - I have no idea
The reason I've been silent is because I've been shagging all week. Mr Frosty has finally defrosted. This law of attraction thing WORKS! I've been rendevouzing with the best bits of him. The kindest and the sweetest. The intense and the surreal. He is a totally different person. By the end of the evening last night he let slip out of his mouth the phrase, 'I love you' and finally when we were in bed making love for the 7th time that week he said, 'You're growing on me I promised myself that you wouldn't, but you are.' He also made a 'joke' about coming inside me. He pretended to in order to watch my reaction. I didn't flinch and he said, 'it wouldn't bother you if I came inside you would it? At least you'd know I'd be staying around.' I laughed.
All day today we've been talking, shagging and holding hands.
We didn't win on the Grand National but now I know how this law of attraction thing works, I might be writing this blog from Barbados.
All day today we've been talking, shagging and holding hands.
We didn't win on the Grand National but now I know how this law of attraction thing works, I might be writing this blog from Barbados.
Wednesday 6 April 2011
Day 15 - 11.23am
I feel like doing more appreciation work.
The reason I like being with Him is because he's fun, yet also he has a serious side. I can learn lots from both. I love learning more about him and certainly haven't finished uncovering this multi faceted being. He suprises more and more each day and actually he goes very deep (even though he doesn't show it). I can understand and appreciate why he chooses to appear emotionless so that he can remain cool in order to get the job in hand done. His job is very demanding and requires large amounts of brain power, focus and concerntration. I really admire this about him. I love it when he lets his hair down and acts all goofy. It's lovely to see him relaxing and letting go (even though sometimes I have no idea what he's on about). Underneath it all, his feelings run deep and when he does want to be romantic, he doesn't do it by halves! (Pandora bracelt here we come!) He also had very high standards in everything that he does, which bodes well for me! Since I am the girl he's with.
Tomorrow, during my blog I will imagine what it feels like to wear a Pandora Bracelet (just for the fun of it)!
The reason I like being with Him is because he's fun, yet also he has a serious side. I can learn lots from both. I love learning more about him and certainly haven't finished uncovering this multi faceted being. He suprises more and more each day and actually he goes very deep (even though he doesn't show it). I can understand and appreciate why he chooses to appear emotionless so that he can remain cool in order to get the job in hand done. His job is very demanding and requires large amounts of brain power, focus and concerntration. I really admire this about him. I love it when he lets his hair down and acts all goofy. It's lovely to see him relaxing and letting go (even though sometimes I have no idea what he's on about). Underneath it all, his feelings run deep and when he does want to be romantic, he doesn't do it by halves! (Pandora bracelt here we come!) He also had very high standards in everything that he does, which bodes well for me! Since I am the girl he's with.
Tomorrow, during my blog I will imagine what it feels like to wear a Pandora Bracelet (just for the fun of it)!
Day 15 10.55am
Three miracles happened yesterday on account of my new found positivity. I went to see one of my lovely girlfriends/associates and I was complaining about how my private teaching work had dried up and that I was considering doing a beauty therapy job part time to supplement my income. Although I would have done it to make ends meet, the prospect didn't fill me huge amounts of joy. Anyway, we were disucssing things and she asked me the question, 'what is it you love about teaching?'. Using my new skills, I parlayed myself into such a good feeling place about teaching that my head was buzzing and I felt like I could burst into tears with pride and satisfaction. I said to her, won't it be interesting to see what happens now. At 3.43pm I recieved an email from a school in Manchester looking for a dynamic, young and experienced vocal coach! I have just been on the phone to them and the job is perfect for me. It will stretch me but that's what I want. I know I am capable and it's time to believe in myself again. I feel amazing to think that I am the creator of everything in my life and all I have to do is talk myself into a better feeling place.
Miracle number two. I was in a good mood yesterday and He was too when he got in from work. His bosses had acknowledged the hard work he had been doing and he'd been told that they wanted him to stay until June. Good news all round. He's loving his job, I get him for a few months longer along with all the perks that brings (extra cash, sex and company). He even went shopping for me the other night and came back with a cute little basket of flowers. (wow).
I've realised that when I clean up my energy and raise my vibration the law of attraction can only bring into my experience that which matches me. So my taking responsibility for my own mood, I literally bring out the best in Him (and everyone else).
He was pooped last night and fell into bed. I pottered around for a bit then climbed in with him. He was restless but fell asleep and so did I. Miracle number three. He woke me up 30 mins later with a raging hardon in my back! That's never happened before! It's mostly always me initiating sex. Even he was suprised! He thought I had been playing with his cock in his sleep, but no, I was just carelessly drifting off. It's amazing what happens when you just relax! If it was good enough for Frankie Goes To Hollywood.... you know the rest.
Miracle number two. I was in a good mood yesterday and He was too when he got in from work. His bosses had acknowledged the hard work he had been doing and he'd been told that they wanted him to stay until June. Good news all round. He's loving his job, I get him for a few months longer along with all the perks that brings (extra cash, sex and company). He even went shopping for me the other night and came back with a cute little basket of flowers. (wow).
I've realised that when I clean up my energy and raise my vibration the law of attraction can only bring into my experience that which matches me. So my taking responsibility for my own mood, I literally bring out the best in Him (and everyone else).
He was pooped last night and fell into bed. I pottered around for a bit then climbed in with him. He was restless but fell asleep and so did I. Miracle number three. He woke me up 30 mins later with a raging hardon in my back! That's never happened before! It's mostly always me initiating sex. Even he was suprised! He thought I had been playing with his cock in his sleep, but no, I was just carelessly drifting off. It's amazing what happens when you just relax! If it was good enough for Frankie Goes To Hollywood.... you know the rest.
Tuesday 5 April 2011
Day 14 - 8.21am
Time to try something new.... According to Abraham Hicks, you can parlay yourself into a better feeling place. Here goes....
I appreciate everything. The good the bad and the ugly. I love the way things always turn out for the best. I love the way life has a way of sorting stuff out. There really is no need to worry. I am in awe of this amazing relationship I am in and the way it is helping me to uncover the truth about who I really am. I am trying not to be afraid anymore. I am observing myself with a keen eye. I am fascinated by what I see and it doesn't really matter if I don't like what I see at times. Things really aren't always that bad, perhaps they are just worse in my head...if I just relax a little and take life a little easier without putting too many demands on myself to be superhuman and superwoman, then life would just flow better... this I know. There would be more hours in the day if I just took life a little slower... ahhhhh this feels good. No need to hurry, no need to stress. He always says this to me.... 'just relax! Everything is ok, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere'... that's comforting to me. I feel happy that I'm discovering my own power. Even though it's difficult for me sometimes, I am learning that speaking up and acting positivly is not a bad thing. It lets people know how I feel and where they stand. I like to know where I stand with people so why shouldn't the opposite be true. I've always pussy footed around people before, not wanting to upset the apple cart, but with recent events, I've had to stand my ground more. I've always thought this to be unspiritual, but actually it's an act of self love.
To me it feels much nicer to act from a place of compassion rather than neediness. I know that the Universe always fully supports me and all I have to do is turn my attention thoes things I want, without the feeling of the lack of them in my life and things that I want flow to me. Therefore, there is no need to be needy. Being needy means that I don't trust the Universe and I do.
The answer is always the same, distract myself, talk myself out of, just relax before I decend down the emotional scale towards anger, rage and indignation! There's always another explanation... there's always another side to the story. Even though I have really nasty thoughts sometimes, I know that they are not really me, they are a mere aspect of me which is pliable and can be easily massaged into something more positive. It's just passion at the end of day whether expressed via anger or joy.
Right now, I appreciate him so much. I admire him. He inspires me and believes in me. When he goes to his cave I may not like it but I accept it and in any case, it gives me the opportunity to either speak up and ask for a little attention (facing one of my fears....rejection...of course there is no rejection) or just do some stuff of my own. (I've taken to laying on his bed reading my bike mags or practising my Italian while he is playing World of Warcraft. That game is so complex and detailed it turns me on knowing that he's so brainy!)
Phew ok... this feels good....I'm going to try and keep on this positive path as much as possible... just because it feels good.
I appreciate everything. The good the bad and the ugly. I love the way things always turn out for the best. I love the way life has a way of sorting stuff out. There really is no need to worry. I am in awe of this amazing relationship I am in and the way it is helping me to uncover the truth about who I really am. I am trying not to be afraid anymore. I am observing myself with a keen eye. I am fascinated by what I see and it doesn't really matter if I don't like what I see at times. Things really aren't always that bad, perhaps they are just worse in my head...if I just relax a little and take life a little easier without putting too many demands on myself to be superhuman and superwoman, then life would just flow better... this I know. There would be more hours in the day if I just took life a little slower... ahhhhh this feels good. No need to hurry, no need to stress. He always says this to me.... 'just relax! Everything is ok, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere'... that's comforting to me. I feel happy that I'm discovering my own power. Even though it's difficult for me sometimes, I am learning that speaking up and acting positivly is not a bad thing. It lets people know how I feel and where they stand. I like to know where I stand with people so why shouldn't the opposite be true. I've always pussy footed around people before, not wanting to upset the apple cart, but with recent events, I've had to stand my ground more. I've always thought this to be unspiritual, but actually it's an act of self love.
To me it feels much nicer to act from a place of compassion rather than neediness. I know that the Universe always fully supports me and all I have to do is turn my attention thoes things I want, without the feeling of the lack of them in my life and things that I want flow to me. Therefore, there is no need to be needy. Being needy means that I don't trust the Universe and I do.
The answer is always the same, distract myself, talk myself out of, just relax before I decend down the emotional scale towards anger, rage and indignation! There's always another explanation... there's always another side to the story. Even though I have really nasty thoughts sometimes, I know that they are not really me, they are a mere aspect of me which is pliable and can be easily massaged into something more positive. It's just passion at the end of day whether expressed via anger or joy.
Right now, I appreciate him so much. I admire him. He inspires me and believes in me. When he goes to his cave I may not like it but I accept it and in any case, it gives me the opportunity to either speak up and ask for a little attention (facing one of my fears....rejection...of course there is no rejection) or just do some stuff of my own. (I've taken to laying on his bed reading my bike mags or practising my Italian while he is playing World of Warcraft. That game is so complex and detailed it turns me on knowing that he's so brainy!)
Phew ok... this feels good....I'm going to try and keep on this positive path as much as possible... just because it feels good.
Monday 4 April 2011
Day 12 / 13 8.23am
Oh dear... tail beween legs. I arrived home yesterday and he was laying on his bed. I'd upset him. I'd made him unhappy with my door slamming, indrect facebook slagging off (although in my opinion I was merely expressing myself) and the fact that I left for London without saying goodbye. He also mentioned that I'd agreed to meet him down the Weatherspoons at 10.30pm on Friday night.... whoops. It's like we're living in paralell universes... We're are so different and potentially incompatibly but I am so drawn to him, like a bee to a honey pot. We lay on his bed yesterday quietly talking and discussing events. He was expressing his hurt and I was expressing mine..... Needless to say the 'make up' sex was fantastic. I've never been 'eaten out' so enthusiastically and even though it took me about 10 - 15 minutes to come, he was determined to carry on and make me come again. In that moment I felt so wanted in that he was want to spend extra time down there.
I've been thinking many things and this morning I thought maybe I should be the one to rise above all this. Now... I know about mirrors....Maybe he's aloof because I'm aloof.... maybe he's emotionally unavailable because I'm emotionally unavailable. This is what I shall work on. I shall not hold back anymore... I shall be myself. I shall not try and be this perfect woman around him. I will relax more. I will show him affection if I feel the urge. I will send him nice texts if I feel the urge too. Then if he does finish with me at least we can depart with dignity. Being an angry old bitch isn't exactly making me happy so this seems like a good alternative.
I rode my new XJ6 motorbike yesterday! WOW!
I've been thinking many things and this morning I thought maybe I should be the one to rise above all this. Now... I know about mirrors....Maybe he's aloof because I'm aloof.... maybe he's emotionally unavailable because I'm emotionally unavailable. This is what I shall work on. I shall not hold back anymore... I shall be myself. I shall not try and be this perfect woman around him. I will relax more. I will show him affection if I feel the urge. I will send him nice texts if I feel the urge too. Then if he does finish with me at least we can depart with dignity. Being an angry old bitch isn't exactly making me happy so this seems like a good alternative.
I rode my new XJ6 motorbike yesterday! WOW!
Saturday 2 April 2011
Day 10 / 11 - 8.27pm
Huff.... puff.... I'll get there, I'll get there, (WHEN THE FUCK WILL I GET THERE!)....WHEN THE FUCK WILL I STOP LETTING MEN DICTATE MY HAPPINESS.
Yesterday (Friday) was a busy day. Italian lesson in the morning, lunch with an ex in the afternoon, tea with best friend, M&S to pick up new pyjamas, then I ran my singing workshop in the evening (which was fun fun fun). I got a text from Him at 10.10pm yesterday saying that he was popping to the Weatherspoon's pub for 'one'. Ok, I thought. Cool.... he needs to blow some steam, he's been working hard all week. We'd been getting on well all day and I thought, I might join him down the pub after my workshop... however, I was too knackered and so I went to bed (in my new sexy pyjamas).... Why does the silent night air bring up all sorts of inner most fears? When there's no distractions, up they bubble. I thought I was feeling 'sorted' but obviously not, my inner psyche was letting me know that there was still some unresolved shit to deal with. I kept looking at my phone, looking at the clock to see what time it was. I've been here before I thought. With the ex who I went to have lunch with today... in this very same house. I was horny (I always am). So I sent him a text. It said...'If you fancy some wild sex when you get in, feel free to wake me up (smiley face, no kiss)'... I left my door open... he came back.... ignored me and climbed into his own bed. I got up and slammed the door! If my dark knight of the soul wasn't dark enough, here came flooding in utter rejection, abandonment and lovelessness. Great! I would take me ages to get to sleep and I had to be up early to drive to London.
When morning came, I was glad, even though I was knackered. I got up EARLY (oh how he hates his sleep to be disturbed) and noisily started making my disgruntled presence known. Although we didn't share a room, we shared the same floorboards! I then left for London in my car, armed with Britney Spears power pop to get me through. Nothing like a bit of Britney to get the bitch back! Over and over again in my mind I just couldn't believe how he had ignored me last night. Surely any other normal man would have jumped at the chance of rattling a good woman's bones. What the hell is wrong with me? Or is it him that has the problem? Would it be better if I put a paper bag over my head!?
And then it dawned on me. He just doesn't love me at all does he, he has absolutely no feelings for me ... I'm not even sure he likes me. I've been checking my phone every fucking 15 mins today to see if he's text but no. I feel intense emotional agony..... again. But I do have a plan.... a calous, cold plan which involves being far more selfish than him (he'll be shocked when he realises he doesn't own that label). I want revenge on He Who Shall Not Show His Emotions. I want him to suffer as much as I've suffered. Surely this is not love!? Am I The Devil?
I'm looking forward to going on the back of my dad's MT01 tomorrow (google it... it's a monster of a bike!) and possibly riding my new bike for the first time tomorrow.
However much I try and take an altered (higher consciousness) perspective on this Shit, it still doesn't take the pain away. I will go to bed shortly and try to absorb it. Maybe the higher perspective will come after this Shit is over (and it will be over soon). I'm 35 years of age with over 200 relationships under my belt. I haven't been shit on in the past to learn nothing. Yes.... I actually do appreciate the contrast.... no, really I do! However, I think I might need beta blockers in the meantime.
palpitations
Yesterday (Friday) was a busy day. Italian lesson in the morning, lunch with an ex in the afternoon, tea with best friend, M&S to pick up new pyjamas, then I ran my singing workshop in the evening (which was fun fun fun). I got a text from Him at 10.10pm yesterday saying that he was popping to the Weatherspoon's pub for 'one'. Ok, I thought. Cool.... he needs to blow some steam, he's been working hard all week. We'd been getting on well all day and I thought, I might join him down the pub after my workshop... however, I was too knackered and so I went to bed (in my new sexy pyjamas).... Why does the silent night air bring up all sorts of inner most fears? When there's no distractions, up they bubble. I thought I was feeling 'sorted' but obviously not, my inner psyche was letting me know that there was still some unresolved shit to deal with. I kept looking at my phone, looking at the clock to see what time it was. I've been here before I thought. With the ex who I went to have lunch with today... in this very same house. I was horny (I always am). So I sent him a text. It said...'If you fancy some wild sex when you get in, feel free to wake me up (smiley face, no kiss)'... I left my door open... he came back.... ignored me and climbed into his own bed. I got up and slammed the door! If my dark knight of the soul wasn't dark enough, here came flooding in utter rejection, abandonment and lovelessness. Great! I would take me ages to get to sleep and I had to be up early to drive to London.
When morning came, I was glad, even though I was knackered. I got up EARLY (oh how he hates his sleep to be disturbed) and noisily started making my disgruntled presence known. Although we didn't share a room, we shared the same floorboards! I then left for London in my car, armed with Britney Spears power pop to get me through. Nothing like a bit of Britney to get the bitch back! Over and over again in my mind I just couldn't believe how he had ignored me last night. Surely any other normal man would have jumped at the chance of rattling a good woman's bones. What the hell is wrong with me? Or is it him that has the problem? Would it be better if I put a paper bag over my head!?
And then it dawned on me. He just doesn't love me at all does he, he has absolutely no feelings for me ... I'm not even sure he likes me. I've been checking my phone every fucking 15 mins today to see if he's text but no. I feel intense emotional agony..... again. But I do have a plan.... a calous, cold plan which involves being far more selfish than him (he'll be shocked when he realises he doesn't own that label). I want revenge on He Who Shall Not Show His Emotions. I want him to suffer as much as I've suffered. Surely this is not love!? Am I The Devil?
I'm looking forward to going on the back of my dad's MT01 tomorrow (google it... it's a monster of a bike!) and possibly riding my new bike for the first time tomorrow.
However much I try and take an altered (higher consciousness) perspective on this Shit, it still doesn't take the pain away. I will go to bed shortly and try to absorb it. Maybe the higher perspective will come after this Shit is over (and it will be over soon). I'm 35 years of age with over 200 relationships under my belt. I haven't been shit on in the past to learn nothing. Yes.... I actually do appreciate the contrast.... no, really I do! However, I think I might need beta blockers in the meantime.
palpitations
Thursday 31 March 2011
Day 9 - 8.23pm
Yesterday was the day from hell. Not because anything in particular happened, but because nothing in particular happened. It was a waiting day. One could say it was an opportunity to perfect or at least practice, the ‘art of allowing’. But as the day went on, my mental condition declined. It became so clear to me that my happiness was dependant on one person giving me the attention I wanted. It was beyond pathetic. Since he wasn’t in the vicinity, I was feeling empty. How could a 35 year old grown woman, with a string of relationships (and experience) under her belt, be in this position with a 28 year old software developer and gamer? I should know better! What is it about Him? It is totally ridiculous that I should be this swept up. Have I gone mad? Why have I lost myself so? I want clarity. I want to know why!!! Then it suddenly dawned on me that there may be a past life connection. I usually don’t believe that it’s important to know the details about these things, but I’m beginning to wonder if a bit of regression might break the ties or at least heal them.
When I heard his motorbike pull up two hours earlier than scheduled my brain went into meltdown… I wasn’t ready yet I soooo was! I hadn’t spoken to a soul all day and I’d gone really into myself (into a dark cave), I was about to start teaching (the first one of the day is always a bit of a challenge, until I’ve warmed up). I was observing myself having this elongated panic attack, where my arms felt heavy and my energy levels were dropping to below zero. I managed the teaching and thankfully He wasn’t grumpy. He could see I was in a strange place and asked me if I wanted to crawl into his bed to rest. I didn’t need a second invitation. I slept from 10pm until midnight while he played his computer game at his desk. I must admin he was being very sweet…. Then he crawled into bed. I wasn’t expecting sex, but I got it! Bonus! This time it wasn’t just sex, but intimate, intense, almost loving (by my standards anyway).
By my mental health standards, today was a good day. He was working from home and I was a lot happier after simply surrendering to the hell spin yesterday, with the understanding that it would get better. When I was in my twenties, I didn’t believe these episodes would ever go away and so they seemed even more unbearable and of course, didn’t go away until something good happened. The gift of wisdom softens the experience somewhat as you know they will pass if you just sink into them. That….. I have learnt. Even though my knickers were in a twist, I tried not to get my knickers in even more of a twist because of it.
I made Marques Guiness Beef Stew today to commemorate our trip to Dublin. It took half an hour of loving preparation and 3 hours of slow simmering to turn into the luxurious thing that it was. He ate too much pasta and filled himself up just before it was due to be served. Yesterday that would have bothered me. Today, I grumbled for about 5 minutes, but then it was like water off a ducks back. I ate mine and his is still in the pot. Maybe I’m getting stronger?
When I heard his motorbike pull up two hours earlier than scheduled my brain went into meltdown… I wasn’t ready yet I soooo was! I hadn’t spoken to a soul all day and I’d gone really into myself (into a dark cave), I was about to start teaching (the first one of the day is always a bit of a challenge, until I’ve warmed up). I was observing myself having this elongated panic attack, where my arms felt heavy and my energy levels were dropping to below zero. I managed the teaching and thankfully He wasn’t grumpy. He could see I was in a strange place and asked me if I wanted to crawl into his bed to rest. I didn’t need a second invitation. I slept from 10pm until midnight while he played his computer game at his desk. I must admin he was being very sweet…. Then he crawled into bed. I wasn’t expecting sex, but I got it! Bonus! This time it wasn’t just sex, but intimate, intense, almost loving (by my standards anyway).
By my mental health standards, today was a good day. He was working from home and I was a lot happier after simply surrendering to the hell spin yesterday, with the understanding that it would get better. When I was in my twenties, I didn’t believe these episodes would ever go away and so they seemed even more unbearable and of course, didn’t go away until something good happened. The gift of wisdom softens the experience somewhat as you know they will pass if you just sink into them. That….. I have learnt. Even though my knickers were in a twist, I tried not to get my knickers in even more of a twist because of it.
I made Marques Guiness Beef Stew today to commemorate our trip to Dublin. It took half an hour of loving preparation and 3 hours of slow simmering to turn into the luxurious thing that it was. He ate too much pasta and filled himself up just before it was due to be served. Yesterday that would have bothered me. Today, I grumbled for about 5 minutes, but then it was like water off a ducks back. I ate mine and his is still in the pot. Maybe I’m getting stronger?
Wednesday 30 March 2011
Day 8 - 2.35pm
No juice to squeeze yet. Early night was had last night on account of bones being rattled the night before. Zero to 5% energy today (mental and physical). We slept separately last night due to the fact that he didn't finish work until 2.30am and both of us needed to not be disturbed. Although I am not in agony like I have been, I need cuddles, intimacy and affection like nobody's business! He doesn't and makes a point of it.
I am trying to win him over with seductive and fabulous home cooking and showers with the door open. I'm not sure if it will work or just make me feel even more used if/when our relationship does finally end. I want romance, I want gazing, I want passionate conversations, I was sexy texts messages, I want to walk down the aisle, I want this to be easy!
I'm learning about the law of attraction. My friend said to me, there is no right or wrong. YOU decide what you want and the Universe will deliver it! My problem is, I'm indecisive. The Universe must be getting as confused as I am. I know I want him but I want him to be more loving and I doubt he'll ever be. My friend (psychically) picked up on the fact that there wasn't much affection growing up... she wondered whether it bordered emotional abuse. That wouldn't suprise me. However, I have to remember that when YOU change your point of attraction, they'll change. 'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'... Wayne Dyer. I've experienced this and it works. Right now I feel depressed and in pain... I need to get to hopeful, optimistic, then I can get to joy.
Shower and more Wayne Dyer might help.
Conclusion - My Year Without Men isn't exactly my year without men! Fuck!
I am trying to win him over with seductive and fabulous home cooking and showers with the door open. I'm not sure if it will work or just make me feel even more used if/when our relationship does finally end. I want romance, I want gazing, I want passionate conversations, I was sexy texts messages, I want to walk down the aisle, I want this to be easy!
I'm learning about the law of attraction. My friend said to me, there is no right or wrong. YOU decide what you want and the Universe will deliver it! My problem is, I'm indecisive. The Universe must be getting as confused as I am. I know I want him but I want him to be more loving and I doubt he'll ever be. My friend (psychically) picked up on the fact that there wasn't much affection growing up... she wondered whether it bordered emotional abuse. That wouldn't suprise me. However, I have to remember that when YOU change your point of attraction, they'll change. 'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'... Wayne Dyer. I've experienced this and it works. Right now I feel depressed and in pain... I need to get to hopeful, optimistic, then I can get to joy.
Shower and more Wayne Dyer might help.
Conclusion - My Year Without Men isn't exactly my year without men! Fuck!
Tuesday 29 March 2011
Day 7 - 9.54 am
I should be working, but doing this is much more fun! Last night He (who shall be adored) seemed different... very supportive, slightly appologetic, proud of me and almost complementary. I made us a nice meal and we sat in the living room eating it and watching TV. He sat next to me. To cut lashings of mental and emotional foreplay short, we slept together. Still no kissing, but probably the best sex we've ever had. He spent the night in my bed but no cuddles. Why is it that when we first got together we could cuddle all night? Now I just seem like an annoyance to him. He complains that I breath too heavily. I think that's because I've got a heavy heart.
I'm going to work on my heavy heart. That the wonderful workshop leader on Sunday talked about acceptance. Absolute one hundred percent acceptance of another is true Love. You don't have to like something with your personality but you have to accept it in order to be truely free. He was saying that a natural human reaction to an unwanted situation is either to be outwardly aggressive and defensive or inwardly aggressive and defensive. Either reaction produces a tightening of the body which isn't condusive to good health (mental, physical or emotional)... so what's the other way? Sitting and staying! (I wrote a song about this, called Sit and Stay, funnily enough). Neither express nor repress the anger/rage/depression/pain. Breath into the feeling. Feel it fully, accept it fully, don't try and change it or label it as 'good' or 'bad', just feel it as a sensation, leave blame aside, don't run away from it, absorb it into your being however painful or uncomfortable and then it will burn up, burn through, vanish.... gone.
I am going to try this now... I am going to promise myself 20 minutes of sitting and I'm not going to get up no matter what. I can't see another way out of this situation. I know that Source/The Universe/God heals and I need to connect with that part of me, much more regularly than I have been doing.
I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm going to work on my heavy heart. That the wonderful workshop leader on Sunday talked about acceptance. Absolute one hundred percent acceptance of another is true Love. You don't have to like something with your personality but you have to accept it in order to be truely free. He was saying that a natural human reaction to an unwanted situation is either to be outwardly aggressive and defensive or inwardly aggressive and defensive. Either reaction produces a tightening of the body which isn't condusive to good health (mental, physical or emotional)... so what's the other way? Sitting and staying! (I wrote a song about this, called Sit and Stay, funnily enough). Neither express nor repress the anger/rage/depression/pain. Breath into the feeling. Feel it fully, accept it fully, don't try and change it or label it as 'good' or 'bad', just feel it as a sensation, leave blame aside, don't run away from it, absorb it into your being however painful or uncomfortable and then it will burn up, burn through, vanish.... gone.
I am going to try this now... I am going to promise myself 20 minutes of sitting and I'm not going to get up no matter what. I can't see another way out of this situation. I know that Source/The Universe/God heals and I need to connect with that part of me, much more regularly than I have been doing.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Monday 28 March 2011
Day 6 - 11.02pm
Not much to report today apart from the fact that I’m now the proud owner of a full motorcycle licence!!!!! According to my friend Jon that makes me 88.76% sexier….. Awesome! (says with a half smile) I’m doing a year without men! (well…. Supposed to be anyway! Is it ok to break your own rules?)
He’s been very sweet today… but apparently is going to look at the flat on Wednesday…. Bugger.
He’s been very sweet today… but apparently is going to look at the flat on Wednesday…. Bugger.
Sunday 27 March 2011
Day 5 - 7.32pm
Obviously I didn’t ask him to get his coat! Instead, when I awoke I responded to a noise from his room saying, ‘Sally? Come in a sec’…. the beginning of what seemed to be a rekindling kind of day. A long conversation in bed about our noisy tenant, followed by a bit of boob spilling, a shower, a mutal oil and sea salt scrub, and an attempt at sex only for it to be interrupted by an unfortunately placed grain of sand and the commencement of my ill timed monthly cycle. Whoops…. My year without men?… what a disaster…. What kind of weak willed temptress am I?
A day on the back on his bike, a meal by the river Dee, a few glasses of wine, some comedy on my sofa and the inevitable question, ‘are you sleeping in my bed tonight’? only increased my hope of us getting back together. He did sleep in my bed, only if I promised not to wake him up with my shuffling and snoring.
I was up at 10am for an afternoon of holistic social networking. I left him in bed. One of the talks I went to was about presence. Oh how I need to be more present! Not running from, my emotions but allowing and accepting them without judgement. I admire Him for being so self satisfied. For having an on-off switch. For being so seemingly self contained and not needing anyone to like him for him to feel ok. For not relying on anyone to make him happy. I, on the other hand, have hardly ever felt like this. I cannot even begin to imagine what it feels like to not have or want to have a significant other in my life. I’ve had momentary glimpses but never consistent long stretches of time where I’ve been happy on my own for no reason at all. He has and does. Now I’m beginning to understand why this relationship is going to be so pivotal. He is everything I want to be and believe I am not. He’s offered to teach me how to be self reliant but I’m sure this is just because it massages his self righteous ego.
I so wish things could be different right now, but they can’t. This has got to be good enough for now. I cannot focus on anything else apart from how shitty I feel. Yesterday was good, today was good, the few hours have not been so good as I’ve been told he’s looking at a place on Wednesday. I either want him in my life or out of my life, this ‘in between’ shit hurts like hell. Stay with it Sal, this is the road less traveled and it will be alright in the end.
I have my motorbike test tomorrow.
A day on the back on his bike, a meal by the river Dee, a few glasses of wine, some comedy on my sofa and the inevitable question, ‘are you sleeping in my bed tonight’? only increased my hope of us getting back together. He did sleep in my bed, only if I promised not to wake him up with my shuffling and snoring.
I was up at 10am for an afternoon of holistic social networking. I left him in bed. One of the talks I went to was about presence. Oh how I need to be more present! Not running from, my emotions but allowing and accepting them without judgement. I admire Him for being so self satisfied. For having an on-off switch. For being so seemingly self contained and not needing anyone to like him for him to feel ok. For not relying on anyone to make him happy. I, on the other hand, have hardly ever felt like this. I cannot even begin to imagine what it feels like to not have or want to have a significant other in my life. I’ve had momentary glimpses but never consistent long stretches of time where I’ve been happy on my own for no reason at all. He has and does. Now I’m beginning to understand why this relationship is going to be so pivotal. He is everything I want to be and believe I am not. He’s offered to teach me how to be self reliant but I’m sure this is just because it massages his self righteous ego.
I so wish things could be different right now, but they can’t. This has got to be good enough for now. I cannot focus on anything else apart from how shitty I feel. Yesterday was good, today was good, the few hours have not been so good as I’ve been told he’s looking at a place on Wednesday. I either want him in my life or out of my life, this ‘in between’ shit hurts like hell. Stay with it Sal, this is the road less traveled and it will be alright in the end.
I have my motorbike test tomorrow.
Friday 25 March 2011
Day 4 - 4.20am
Writing this blog seems to give me some comfort. It’s like a friend to me. I wouldn’t give my attention to anything else at 4.20am in the morning put it that way! However with the events of last night, the pure night air and the song of the blackbird seem like a refreshing relief.
It turns out that He did get the text message! He was angry….Very angry! Angry at the fact that I’d put him through all that and now angry at the fact I wanted to try and make it all better. On the day that I ended things, the fact that he had broken down in tears surprised me as I didn’t think there was any water in that barren land! I certainly didn’t realize I meant anything to him. I thought he was just living with me for convenience and that all he had to do was bonk me every nownagain to keep me happy! (Although of course I was hoping that he might fall madly in love with me in the process). So you could say I was a little shocked at this sudden burst of emtion given the fact, His lack of it was the reason I wanted to split up.
Today He said, ‘what’s changed?’, ‘I’m still the same person who can’t love you in the way you want to be loved’. He was right of course. I was suffering from Post Traumatic Dumper Syndrome. That feeling of emptiness you get when it suddenly hits you they won’t be in your life the same way anymore. He saw right through me. I didn’t want to take the chance, so I got there first. I always thought that I might be at risk of being discharged as the GF given the fact that he was so adamant the family life wasn’t for him (as he admitted to me over posh eggs benedict in Dublin, winding me severely in the process). Now I’m coming to realize that there’s a big denial element in thoes who protest too much (speaking from experience of course). But anyway, the facts remains. Any amount of trust and respect he did have for me have vanished and so it looks like I’d have more success shaving a hedgehog than I would getting back with him.
So now here I am with an ex boyfriend who hates the sight of me and who is still living in the room next door. Coupled with an alcoholic 21 year old flat mate who can be unaware of her personal noise levels at 3am in the morning (hence the reason why I’m up!)…. So tomorrow…. In the nicest possible way and with respect, I shall ask him to ‘get his coat and fuck off’.
It turns out that He did get the text message! He was angry….Very angry! Angry at the fact that I’d put him through all that and now angry at the fact I wanted to try and make it all better. On the day that I ended things, the fact that he had broken down in tears surprised me as I didn’t think there was any water in that barren land! I certainly didn’t realize I meant anything to him. I thought he was just living with me for convenience and that all he had to do was bonk me every nownagain to keep me happy! (Although of course I was hoping that he might fall madly in love with me in the process). So you could say I was a little shocked at this sudden burst of emtion given the fact, His lack of it was the reason I wanted to split up.
Today He said, ‘what’s changed?’, ‘I’m still the same person who can’t love you in the way you want to be loved’. He was right of course. I was suffering from Post Traumatic Dumper Syndrome. That feeling of emptiness you get when it suddenly hits you they won’t be in your life the same way anymore. He saw right through me. I didn’t want to take the chance, so I got there first. I always thought that I might be at risk of being discharged as the GF given the fact that he was so adamant the family life wasn’t for him (as he admitted to me over posh eggs benedict in Dublin, winding me severely in the process). Now I’m coming to realize that there’s a big denial element in thoes who protest too much (speaking from experience of course). But anyway, the facts remains. Any amount of trust and respect he did have for me have vanished and so it looks like I’d have more success shaving a hedgehog than I would getting back with him.
So now here I am with an ex boyfriend who hates the sight of me and who is still living in the room next door. Coupled with an alcoholic 21 year old flat mate who can be unaware of her personal noise levels at 3am in the morning (hence the reason why I’m up!)…. So tomorrow…. In the nicest possible way and with respect, I shall ask him to ‘get his coat and fuck off’.
Day 3 - 6.23pm
I love motorbikes!!! Just come back from a bike lesson totally exhillerated... I wonder how long it will be before the adrenalin wears off? The good thing about today is that I've been occupied for most of it. Italian lesson in the morning, Intense Pulsed Light treatment in the finest Cheshire 'old hag' clinic, brief stop at home for a bite and then the bike lesson...
Today I am like a different person...
Last night I attempted to go see a friend but had to turn back on account of a mild panic attack at the thought of meeting her new fabulous boyfriend all the way from New York! I couldn't handle the idea of watching them swoon together while being reminded of my own dire situation at home. 'Salt in the wound' springs to mind. I just wanted to be with Him... He could take all this pain away...NOW! I was beginning to think I'd been too rash in asking him to move out. I got home after the failed social interaction attempt and fell into bed 'poor sick me' hoping to generate a little sympathy from the Boy In The Room Next Door. It worked for a bit (and my sickness was genuine). On account of the fact I was laying in the foetal position, I was able to meagerly announce my regret and remorse at ending things, almost asking for a reconcilliation but not quite. He kinda shurgged things off in his usual aloof, 'I don't go back on things' way but didn't actually say 'no way, bitch... YOU ended it, now YOU suffer the consequences!' So I thought I might be in for chance. I slept with my door open hoping he would do the same.
Whilst waiting for 9.10am to strike today (my Italian teacher is very specific about our lesson times), I sent Him a text saying, 'would you consider having me back? Think about it, I'll be back at noon (smiley face no kiss).' I popped back at noon.... nothing.... I've been home now for 30 mins.... nothing....no comment....not even a smile! Miseryguts! Is he being a complete arse or did the angels intercept that text message and send it to Mars?
The fact is right now I feel happy and to be honest, the more fucking mizzey he remains, the more I hope to God the angel's DID intercept that message!
Dr Wayne Dyer is now going to teach me how to implant positive meme's into my brain.... nice!
Today I am like a different person...
Last night I attempted to go see a friend but had to turn back on account of a mild panic attack at the thought of meeting her new fabulous boyfriend all the way from New York! I couldn't handle the idea of watching them swoon together while being reminded of my own dire situation at home. 'Salt in the wound' springs to mind. I just wanted to be with Him... He could take all this pain away...NOW! I was beginning to think I'd been too rash in asking him to move out. I got home after the failed social interaction attempt and fell into bed 'poor sick me' hoping to generate a little sympathy from the Boy In The Room Next Door. It worked for a bit (and my sickness was genuine). On account of the fact I was laying in the foetal position, I was able to meagerly announce my regret and remorse at ending things, almost asking for a reconcilliation but not quite. He kinda shurgged things off in his usual aloof, 'I don't go back on things' way but didn't actually say 'no way, bitch... YOU ended it, now YOU suffer the consequences!' So I thought I might be in for chance. I slept with my door open hoping he would do the same.
Whilst waiting for 9.10am to strike today (my Italian teacher is very specific about our lesson times), I sent Him a text saying, 'would you consider having me back? Think about it, I'll be back at noon (smiley face no kiss).' I popped back at noon.... nothing.... I've been home now for 30 mins.... nothing....no comment....not even a smile! Miseryguts! Is he being a complete arse or did the angels intercept that text message and send it to Mars?
The fact is right now I feel happy and to be honest, the more fucking mizzey he remains, the more I hope to God the angel's DID intercept that message!
Dr Wayne Dyer is now going to teach me how to implant positive meme's into my brain.... nice!
Thursday 24 March 2011
Day 2 - 1.33pm
Big Bad Bollocks! I know what's done it. My desire for forward planning has been misconstrued as needyness. My desire to know how he feels has been misconstrued as needyness. It's a beautiful sunny day outside and I have no idea what to do with it. I'm a mess.... only one thing to do .... meditate.... gather myself up then go for a severe workout!
Day 2 - 8.30am
This morning I broke down in my freshly made fruit smoothie (not Innocent I might add). I've been here before... this place, this agony, the arrows through my heart. The seemingly endless circuit of euphoria and despair. The sight of him, the sound of his voice drives knives into my solar plexus.... How does he feel? I wish I knew, yet, I know that somehow I have to take my attention away from him. Even though there's a background of pain, when I do, I feel a little better. I've already plotted my vision for this year but right now the thought of it doesn't fill me with delight... 'Pass motorbike test', 'learn Italian', 'social networking', 'nice holidays', 'build business/client base', 'cooking', 'dancing' etc etc. What's the point, without a man to share it with? Thinking about it, I don't think I've ever been happy for no reason. There's always been a pending visit from a shag buddie or boyfriend to pep me up. How will I get through this without falling for another man and will I come out the other side? Blind faith is called for. This feels like the spin into hell.
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Day 1 - 10.45pm
Note to self. Must remember that this blog is about me. It's so easy to go off on a rant about 'them'... must refrain.
Oh fuck it..... just this once.
I type in bed listening to his movements through the very thin walls that join the room next door...'what's he doing?' I daren't think! I don't want to think about the very thing he might be doing that would send me into a mouth watering frenzy. Hazy thoughts of the possibility of getting back together keep wafting through me followed by sex crazed text messages I'd like to send him, and then I remember that text he sent me (that prompted me to 'divorce' him) about me being too needy and that I promised I wouldn't but did.
This is the reason I'm doing this dear reader. I flit from being 'needy woosy female' to strong independant 'don't suffer fools' bitch from hell... perhaps my year without men will help to bring some balance back into my life in the form of inner courage, strength and resolve... all thoes wonderful words I can only apply to myself about a quarter of the time.
Oh fuck it..... just this once.
I type in bed listening to his movements through the very thin walls that join the room next door...'what's he doing?' I daren't think! I don't want to think about the very thing he might be doing that would send me into a mouth watering frenzy. Hazy thoughts of the possibility of getting back together keep wafting through me followed by sex crazed text messages I'd like to send him, and then I remember that text he sent me (that prompted me to 'divorce' him) about me being too needy and that I promised I wouldn't but did.
This is the reason I'm doing this dear reader. I flit from being 'needy woosy female' to strong independant 'don't suffer fools' bitch from hell... perhaps my year without men will help to bring some balance back into my life in the form of inner courage, strength and resolve... all thoes wonderful words I can only apply to myself about a quarter of the time.
Day 1 - 2.31pm
While he was at work, I took a shower and climbed into his bed (he just moved into the spare room the night before). I knew I shouldn't be there but I was born in the year of the cat (aka Rabbit) and you know how curious we are! I wanted to see what he saw when his head touched the pillow at night. I wanted to feel the pressure of the bed. This man, whom I had decided to split up with (not because I didn't love him but because he didn't love me back) had now become something of a mystery to me that had to be solved (or so it seemed). As I went into a post noon slumber, I felt the urge to masturbate. I resisted. The thought of firing up thoes neural receptors didn't fill me with delight as I knew they would trigger feelings of nostalgia, loss, abandonment and rejection. I didn't want to feel myself as that pathetic woman. So I laid there and felt the burn, until it thankfully subsided.
Day 1
Everything reminds me of sex (and him)... even the arrows on this blog look like giant circumsized penis's. My brain is amush with smut and I am concerned that I have set myself too virtous an undertaking. It is an unrealistic expectation for a woman in her prime? After all, I am a 35 year old childless, husbandless, hormone riddled sex/relationship addict!
I am a serial monogamist (well almost), bouncing from one partner to another, and in the gaps, enjoying the anticipation of being single only to fall into the lure of another 'unsuitable'. Why can't I say no? I have been told that it is all my doing. Something to do with my 'vibration' and the law of attraction. Ok... I get that. So that's why I've decided to 'take a year off' so to speak and clean up my vibration (eeewwww). The batteries have been removed from my vibrator and inserted into my other vibration raising device (something to do with magnets). Hopefully by then I'll be fixed and something of a 'suitable' will manifest. Karma and past life regurgitation can then fuck it's little arse off.
With temptation still residing in the room next door this is going to require more strength and mental focus than I thought I had.... Madonna had it when she said, 'rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac' (and I thought it was oysters... bugger!)
Great my neighbours are having sex again!
I am a serial monogamist (well almost), bouncing from one partner to another, and in the gaps, enjoying the anticipation of being single only to fall into the lure of another 'unsuitable'. Why can't I say no? I have been told that it is all my doing. Something to do with my 'vibration' and the law of attraction. Ok... I get that. So that's why I've decided to 'take a year off' so to speak and clean up my vibration (eeewwww). The batteries have been removed from my vibrator and inserted into my other vibration raising device (something to do with magnets). Hopefully by then I'll be fixed and something of a 'suitable' will manifest. Karma and past life regurgitation can then fuck it's little arse off.
With temptation still residing in the room next door this is going to require more strength and mental focus than I thought I had.... Madonna had it when she said, 'rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac' (and I thought it was oysters... bugger!)
Great my neighbours are having sex again!
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