Yesterday was the day from hell. Not because anything in particular happened, but because nothing in particular happened. It was a waiting day. One could say it was an opportunity to perfect or at least practice, the ‘art of allowing’. But as the day went on, my mental condition declined. It became so clear to me that my happiness was dependant on one person giving me the attention I wanted. It was beyond pathetic. Since he wasn’t in the vicinity, I was feeling empty. How could a 35 year old grown woman, with a string of relationships (and experience) under her belt, be in this position with a 28 year old software developer and gamer? I should know better! What is it about Him? It is totally ridiculous that I should be this swept up. Have I gone mad? Why have I lost myself so? I want clarity. I want to know why!!! Then it suddenly dawned on me that there may be a past life connection. I usually don’t believe that it’s important to know the details about these things, but I’m beginning to wonder if a bit of regression might break the ties or at least heal them.
When I heard his motorbike pull up two hours earlier than scheduled my brain went into meltdown… I wasn’t ready yet I soooo was! I hadn’t spoken to a soul all day and I’d gone really into myself (into a dark cave), I was about to start teaching (the first one of the day is always a bit of a challenge, until I’ve warmed up). I was observing myself having this elongated panic attack, where my arms felt heavy and my energy levels were dropping to below zero. I managed the teaching and thankfully He wasn’t grumpy. He could see I was in a strange place and asked me if I wanted to crawl into his bed to rest. I didn’t need a second invitation. I slept from 10pm until midnight while he played his computer game at his desk. I must admin he was being very sweet…. Then he crawled into bed. I wasn’t expecting sex, but I got it! Bonus! This time it wasn’t just sex, but intimate, intense, almost loving (by my standards anyway).
By my mental health standards, today was a good day. He was working from home and I was a lot happier after simply surrendering to the hell spin yesterday, with the understanding that it would get better. When I was in my twenties, I didn’t believe these episodes would ever go away and so they seemed even more unbearable and of course, didn’t go away until something good happened. The gift of wisdom softens the experience somewhat as you know they will pass if you just sink into them. That….. I have learnt. Even though my knickers were in a twist, I tried not to get my knickers in even more of a twist because of it.
I made Marques Guiness Beef Stew today to commemorate our trip to Dublin. It took half an hour of loving preparation and 3 hours of slow simmering to turn into the luxurious thing that it was. He ate too much pasta and filled himself up just before it was due to be served. Yesterday that would have bothered me. Today, I grumbled for about 5 minutes, but then it was like water off a ducks back. I ate mine and his is still in the pot. Maybe I’m getting stronger?
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