Huff.... puff.... I'll get there, I'll get there, (WHEN THE FUCK WILL I GET THERE!)....WHEN THE FUCK WILL I STOP LETTING MEN DICTATE MY HAPPINESS.
Yesterday (Friday) was a busy day. Italian lesson in the morning, lunch with an ex in the afternoon, tea with best friend, M&S to pick up new pyjamas, then I ran my singing workshop in the evening (which was fun fun fun). I got a text from Him at 10.10pm yesterday saying that he was popping to the Weatherspoon's pub for 'one'. Ok, I thought. Cool.... he needs to blow some steam, he's been working hard all week. We'd been getting on well all day and I thought, I might join him down the pub after my workshop... however, I was too knackered and so I went to bed (in my new sexy pyjamas).... Why does the silent night air bring up all sorts of inner most fears? When there's no distractions, up they bubble. I thought I was feeling 'sorted' but obviously not, my inner psyche was letting me know that there was still some unresolved shit to deal with. I kept looking at my phone, looking at the clock to see what time it was. I've been here before I thought. With the ex who I went to have lunch with today... in this very same house. I was horny (I always am). So I sent him a text. It said...'If you fancy some wild sex when you get in, feel free to wake me up (smiley face, no kiss)'... I left my door open... he came back.... ignored me and climbed into his own bed. I got up and slammed the door! If my dark knight of the soul wasn't dark enough, here came flooding in utter rejection, abandonment and lovelessness. Great! I would take me ages to get to sleep and I had to be up early to drive to London.
When morning came, I was glad, even though I was knackered. I got up EARLY (oh how he hates his sleep to be disturbed) and noisily started making my disgruntled presence known. Although we didn't share a room, we shared the same floorboards! I then left for London in my car, armed with Britney Spears power pop to get me through. Nothing like a bit of Britney to get the bitch back! Over and over again in my mind I just couldn't believe how he had ignored me last night. Surely any other normal man would have jumped at the chance of rattling a good woman's bones. What the hell is wrong with me? Or is it him that has the problem? Would it be better if I put a paper bag over my head!?
And then it dawned on me. He just doesn't love me at all does he, he has absolutely no feelings for me ... I'm not even sure he likes me. I've been checking my phone every fucking 15 mins today to see if he's text but no. I feel intense emotional agony..... again. But I do have a plan.... a calous, cold plan which involves being far more selfish than him (he'll be shocked when he realises he doesn't own that label). I want revenge on He Who Shall Not Show His Emotions. I want him to suffer as much as I've suffered. Surely this is not love!? Am I The Devil?
I'm looking forward to going on the back of my dad's MT01 tomorrow (google it... it's a monster of a bike!) and possibly riding my new bike for the first time tomorrow.
However much I try and take an altered (higher consciousness) perspective on this Shit, it still doesn't take the pain away. I will go to bed shortly and try to absorb it. Maybe the higher perspective will come after this Shit is over (and it will be over soon). I'm 35 years of age with over 200 relationships under my belt. I haven't been shit on in the past to learn nothing. Yes.... I actually do appreciate the contrast.... no, really I do! However, I think I might need beta blockers in the meantime.
palpitations
No comments:
Post a Comment