Day 7 - 9.54 am

I should be working, but doing this is much more fun! Last night He (who shall be adored) seemed different... very supportive, slightly appologetic, proud of me and almost complementary. I made us a nice meal and we sat in the living room eating it and watching TV. He sat next to me. To cut lashings of mental and emotional foreplay short, we slept together. Still no kissing, but probably the best sex we've ever had. He spent the night in my bed but no cuddles. Why is it that when we first got together we could cuddle all night? Now I just seem like an annoyance to him. He complains that I breath too heavily. I think that's because I've got a heavy heart.

I'm going to work on my heavy heart. That the wonderful workshop leader on Sunday talked about acceptance. Absolute one hundred percent acceptance of another is true Love. You don't have to like something with your personality but you have to accept it in order to be truely free. He was saying that a natural human reaction to an unwanted situation is either to be outwardly aggressive and defensive or inwardly aggressive and defensive. Either reaction produces a tightening of the body which isn't condusive to good health (mental, physical or emotional)... so what's the other way? Sitting and staying! (I wrote a song about this, called Sit and Stay, funnily enough). Neither express nor repress the anger/rage/depression/pain. Breath into the feeling. Feel it fully, accept it fully, don't try and change it or label it as 'good' or 'bad', just feel it as a sensation, leave blame aside, don't run away from it, absorb it into your being however painful or uncomfortable and then it will burn up, burn through, vanish.... gone.

I am going to try this now... I am going to promise myself 20 minutes of sitting and I'm not going to get up no matter what. I can't see another way out of this situation. I know that Source/The Universe/God heals and I need to connect with that part of me, much more regularly than I have been doing.

I'll let you know how it goes.