Day 4 - 4.20am

Writing this blog seems to give me some comfort. It’s like a friend to me. I wouldn’t give my attention to anything else at 4.20am in the morning put it that way! However with the events of last night, the pure night air and the song of the blackbird seem like a refreshing relief.

It turns out that He did get the text message! He was angry….Very angry! Angry at the fact that I’d put him through all that and now angry at the fact I wanted to try and make it all better. On the day that I ended things, the fact that he had broken down in tears surprised me as I didn’t think there was any water in that barren land! I certainly didn’t realize I meant anything to him. I thought he was just living with me for convenience and that all he had to do was bonk me every nownagain to keep me happy! (Although of course I was hoping that he might fall madly in love with me in the process). So you could say I was a little shocked at this sudden burst of emtion given the fact, His lack of it was the reason I wanted to split up.

Today He said, ‘what’s changed?’, ‘I’m still the same person who can’t love you in the way you want to be loved’. He was right of course. I was suffering from Post Traumatic Dumper Syndrome. That feeling of emptiness you get when it suddenly hits you they won’t be in your life the same way anymore. He saw right through me. I didn’t want to take the chance, so I got there first. I always thought that I might be at risk of being discharged as the GF given the fact that he was so adamant the family life wasn’t for him (as he admitted to me over posh eggs benedict in Dublin, winding me severely in the process). Now I’m coming to realize that there’s a big denial element in thoes who protest too much (speaking from experience of course). But anyway, the facts remains. Any amount of trust and respect he did have for me have vanished and so it looks like I’d have more success shaving a hedgehog than I would getting back with him.

So now here I am with an ex boyfriend who hates the sight of me and who is still living in the room next door. Coupled with an alcoholic 21 year old flat mate who can be unaware of her personal noise levels at 3am in the morning (hence the reason why I’m up!)…. So tomorrow…. In the nicest possible way and with respect, I shall ask him to ‘get his coat and fuck off’.