Day 5 - 7.32pm

Obviously I didn’t ask him to get his coat! Instead, when I awoke I responded to a noise from his room saying, ‘Sally? Come in a sec’…. the beginning of what seemed to be a rekindling kind of day. A long conversation in bed about our noisy tenant, followed by a bit of boob spilling, a shower, a mutal oil and sea salt scrub, and an attempt at sex only for it to be interrupted by an unfortunately placed grain of sand and the commencement of my ill timed monthly cycle. Whoops…. My year without men?… what a disaster…. What kind of weak willed temptress am I?

A day on the back on his bike, a meal by the river Dee, a few glasses of wine, some comedy on my sofa and the inevitable question, ‘are you sleeping in my bed tonight’? only increased my hope of us getting back together. He did sleep in my bed, only if I promised not to wake him up with my shuffling and snoring.

I was up at 10am for an afternoon of holistic social networking. I left him in bed. One of the talks I went to was about presence. Oh how I need to be more present! Not running from, my emotions but allowing and accepting them without judgement. I admire Him for being so self satisfied. For having an on-off switch. For being so seemingly self contained and not needing anyone to like him for him to feel ok. For not relying on anyone to make him happy. I, on the other hand, have hardly ever felt like this. I cannot even begin to imagine what it feels like to not have or want to have a significant other in my life. I’ve had momentary glimpses but never consistent long stretches of time where I’ve been happy on my own for no reason at all. He has and does. Now I’m beginning to understand why this relationship is going to be so pivotal. He is everything I want to be and believe I am not. He’s offered to teach me how to be self reliant but I’m sure this is just because it massages his self righteous ego.

I so wish things could be different right now, but they can’t. This has got to be good enough for now. I cannot focus on anything else apart from how shitty I feel. Yesterday was good, today was good, the few hours have not been so good as I’ve been told he’s looking at a place on Wednesday. I either want him in my life or out of my life, this ‘in between’ shit hurts like hell. Stay with it Sal, this is the road less traveled and it will be alright in the end.

I have my motorbike test tomorrow.