Yesterday was the day from hell. Not because anything in particular happened, but because nothing in particular happened. It was a waiting day. One could say it was an opportunity to perfect or at least practice, the ‘art of allowing’. But as the day went on, my mental condition declined. It became so clear to me that my happiness was dependant on one person giving me the attention I wanted. It was beyond pathetic. Since he wasn’t in the vicinity, I was feeling empty. How could a 35 year old grown woman, with a string of relationships (and experience) under her belt, be in this position with a 28 year old software developer and gamer? I should know better! What is it about Him? It is totally ridiculous that I should be this swept up. Have I gone mad? Why have I lost myself so? I want clarity. I want to know why!!! Then it suddenly dawned on me that there may be a past life connection. I usually don’t believe that it’s important to know the details about these things, but I’m beginning to wonder if a bit of regression might break the ties or at least heal them.
When I heard his motorbike pull up two hours earlier than scheduled my brain went into meltdown… I wasn’t ready yet I soooo was! I hadn’t spoken to a soul all day and I’d gone really into myself (into a dark cave), I was about to start teaching (the first one of the day is always a bit of a challenge, until I’ve warmed up). I was observing myself having this elongated panic attack, where my arms felt heavy and my energy levels were dropping to below zero. I managed the teaching and thankfully He wasn’t grumpy. He could see I was in a strange place and asked me if I wanted to crawl into his bed to rest. I didn’t need a second invitation. I slept from 10pm until midnight while he played his computer game at his desk. I must admin he was being very sweet…. Then he crawled into bed. I wasn’t expecting sex, but I got it! Bonus! This time it wasn’t just sex, but intimate, intense, almost loving (by my standards anyway).
By my mental health standards, today was a good day. He was working from home and I was a lot happier after simply surrendering to the hell spin yesterday, with the understanding that it would get better. When I was in my twenties, I didn’t believe these episodes would ever go away and so they seemed even more unbearable and of course, didn’t go away until something good happened. The gift of wisdom softens the experience somewhat as you know they will pass if you just sink into them. That….. I have learnt. Even though my knickers were in a twist, I tried not to get my knickers in even more of a twist because of it.
I made Marques Guiness Beef Stew today to commemorate our trip to Dublin. It took half an hour of loving preparation and 3 hours of slow simmering to turn into the luxurious thing that it was. He ate too much pasta and filled himself up just before it was due to be served. Yesterday that would have bothered me. Today, I grumbled for about 5 minutes, but then it was like water off a ducks back. I ate mine and his is still in the pot. Maybe I’m getting stronger?
Thursday 31 March 2011
Wednesday 30 March 2011
Day 8 - 2.35pm
No juice to squeeze yet. Early night was had last night on account of bones being rattled the night before. Zero to 5% energy today (mental and physical). We slept separately last night due to the fact that he didn't finish work until 2.30am and both of us needed to not be disturbed. Although I am not in agony like I have been, I need cuddles, intimacy and affection like nobody's business! He doesn't and makes a point of it.
I am trying to win him over with seductive and fabulous home cooking and showers with the door open. I'm not sure if it will work or just make me feel even more used if/when our relationship does finally end. I want romance, I want gazing, I want passionate conversations, I was sexy texts messages, I want to walk down the aisle, I want this to be easy!
I'm learning about the law of attraction. My friend said to me, there is no right or wrong. YOU decide what you want and the Universe will deliver it! My problem is, I'm indecisive. The Universe must be getting as confused as I am. I know I want him but I want him to be more loving and I doubt he'll ever be. My friend (psychically) picked up on the fact that there wasn't much affection growing up... she wondered whether it bordered emotional abuse. That wouldn't suprise me. However, I have to remember that when YOU change your point of attraction, they'll change. 'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'... Wayne Dyer. I've experienced this and it works. Right now I feel depressed and in pain... I need to get to hopeful, optimistic, then I can get to joy.
Shower and more Wayne Dyer might help.
Conclusion - My Year Without Men isn't exactly my year without men! Fuck!
I am trying to win him over with seductive and fabulous home cooking and showers with the door open. I'm not sure if it will work or just make me feel even more used if/when our relationship does finally end. I want romance, I want gazing, I want passionate conversations, I was sexy texts messages, I want to walk down the aisle, I want this to be easy!
I'm learning about the law of attraction. My friend said to me, there is no right or wrong. YOU decide what you want and the Universe will deliver it! My problem is, I'm indecisive. The Universe must be getting as confused as I am. I know I want him but I want him to be more loving and I doubt he'll ever be. My friend (psychically) picked up on the fact that there wasn't much affection growing up... she wondered whether it bordered emotional abuse. That wouldn't suprise me. However, I have to remember that when YOU change your point of attraction, they'll change. 'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'... Wayne Dyer. I've experienced this and it works. Right now I feel depressed and in pain... I need to get to hopeful, optimistic, then I can get to joy.
Shower and more Wayne Dyer might help.
Conclusion - My Year Without Men isn't exactly my year without men! Fuck!
Tuesday 29 March 2011
Day 7 - 9.54 am
I should be working, but doing this is much more fun! Last night He (who shall be adored) seemed different... very supportive, slightly appologetic, proud of me and almost complementary. I made us a nice meal and we sat in the living room eating it and watching TV. He sat next to me. To cut lashings of mental and emotional foreplay short, we slept together. Still no kissing, but probably the best sex we've ever had. He spent the night in my bed but no cuddles. Why is it that when we first got together we could cuddle all night? Now I just seem like an annoyance to him. He complains that I breath too heavily. I think that's because I've got a heavy heart.
I'm going to work on my heavy heart. That the wonderful workshop leader on Sunday talked about acceptance. Absolute one hundred percent acceptance of another is true Love. You don't have to like something with your personality but you have to accept it in order to be truely free. He was saying that a natural human reaction to an unwanted situation is either to be outwardly aggressive and defensive or inwardly aggressive and defensive. Either reaction produces a tightening of the body which isn't condusive to good health (mental, physical or emotional)... so what's the other way? Sitting and staying! (I wrote a song about this, called Sit and Stay, funnily enough). Neither express nor repress the anger/rage/depression/pain. Breath into the feeling. Feel it fully, accept it fully, don't try and change it or label it as 'good' or 'bad', just feel it as a sensation, leave blame aside, don't run away from it, absorb it into your being however painful or uncomfortable and then it will burn up, burn through, vanish.... gone.
I am going to try this now... I am going to promise myself 20 minutes of sitting and I'm not going to get up no matter what. I can't see another way out of this situation. I know that Source/The Universe/God heals and I need to connect with that part of me, much more regularly than I have been doing.
I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm going to work on my heavy heart. That the wonderful workshop leader on Sunday talked about acceptance. Absolute one hundred percent acceptance of another is true Love. You don't have to like something with your personality but you have to accept it in order to be truely free. He was saying that a natural human reaction to an unwanted situation is either to be outwardly aggressive and defensive or inwardly aggressive and defensive. Either reaction produces a tightening of the body which isn't condusive to good health (mental, physical or emotional)... so what's the other way? Sitting and staying! (I wrote a song about this, called Sit and Stay, funnily enough). Neither express nor repress the anger/rage/depression/pain. Breath into the feeling. Feel it fully, accept it fully, don't try and change it or label it as 'good' or 'bad', just feel it as a sensation, leave blame aside, don't run away from it, absorb it into your being however painful or uncomfortable and then it will burn up, burn through, vanish.... gone.
I am going to try this now... I am going to promise myself 20 minutes of sitting and I'm not going to get up no matter what. I can't see another way out of this situation. I know that Source/The Universe/God heals and I need to connect with that part of me, much more regularly than I have been doing.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Monday 28 March 2011
Day 6 - 11.02pm
Not much to report today apart from the fact that I’m now the proud owner of a full motorcycle licence!!!!! According to my friend Jon that makes me 88.76% sexier….. Awesome! (says with a half smile) I’m doing a year without men! (well…. Supposed to be anyway! Is it ok to break your own rules?)
He’s been very sweet today… but apparently is going to look at the flat on Wednesday…. Bugger.
He’s been very sweet today… but apparently is going to look at the flat on Wednesday…. Bugger.
Sunday 27 March 2011
Day 5 - 7.32pm
Obviously I didn’t ask him to get his coat! Instead, when I awoke I responded to a noise from his room saying, ‘Sally? Come in a sec’…. the beginning of what seemed to be a rekindling kind of day. A long conversation in bed about our noisy tenant, followed by a bit of boob spilling, a shower, a mutal oil and sea salt scrub, and an attempt at sex only for it to be interrupted by an unfortunately placed grain of sand and the commencement of my ill timed monthly cycle. Whoops…. My year without men?… what a disaster…. What kind of weak willed temptress am I?
A day on the back on his bike, a meal by the river Dee, a few glasses of wine, some comedy on my sofa and the inevitable question, ‘are you sleeping in my bed tonight’? only increased my hope of us getting back together. He did sleep in my bed, only if I promised not to wake him up with my shuffling and snoring.
I was up at 10am for an afternoon of holistic social networking. I left him in bed. One of the talks I went to was about presence. Oh how I need to be more present! Not running from, my emotions but allowing and accepting them without judgement. I admire Him for being so self satisfied. For having an on-off switch. For being so seemingly self contained and not needing anyone to like him for him to feel ok. For not relying on anyone to make him happy. I, on the other hand, have hardly ever felt like this. I cannot even begin to imagine what it feels like to not have or want to have a significant other in my life. I’ve had momentary glimpses but never consistent long stretches of time where I’ve been happy on my own for no reason at all. He has and does. Now I’m beginning to understand why this relationship is going to be so pivotal. He is everything I want to be and believe I am not. He’s offered to teach me how to be self reliant but I’m sure this is just because it massages his self righteous ego.
I so wish things could be different right now, but they can’t. This has got to be good enough for now. I cannot focus on anything else apart from how shitty I feel. Yesterday was good, today was good, the few hours have not been so good as I’ve been told he’s looking at a place on Wednesday. I either want him in my life or out of my life, this ‘in between’ shit hurts like hell. Stay with it Sal, this is the road less traveled and it will be alright in the end.
I have my motorbike test tomorrow.
A day on the back on his bike, a meal by the river Dee, a few glasses of wine, some comedy on my sofa and the inevitable question, ‘are you sleeping in my bed tonight’? only increased my hope of us getting back together. He did sleep in my bed, only if I promised not to wake him up with my shuffling and snoring.
I was up at 10am for an afternoon of holistic social networking. I left him in bed. One of the talks I went to was about presence. Oh how I need to be more present! Not running from, my emotions but allowing and accepting them without judgement. I admire Him for being so self satisfied. For having an on-off switch. For being so seemingly self contained and not needing anyone to like him for him to feel ok. For not relying on anyone to make him happy. I, on the other hand, have hardly ever felt like this. I cannot even begin to imagine what it feels like to not have or want to have a significant other in my life. I’ve had momentary glimpses but never consistent long stretches of time where I’ve been happy on my own for no reason at all. He has and does. Now I’m beginning to understand why this relationship is going to be so pivotal. He is everything I want to be and believe I am not. He’s offered to teach me how to be self reliant but I’m sure this is just because it massages his self righteous ego.
I so wish things could be different right now, but they can’t. This has got to be good enough for now. I cannot focus on anything else apart from how shitty I feel. Yesterday was good, today was good, the few hours have not been so good as I’ve been told he’s looking at a place on Wednesday. I either want him in my life or out of my life, this ‘in between’ shit hurts like hell. Stay with it Sal, this is the road less traveled and it will be alright in the end.
I have my motorbike test tomorrow.
Friday 25 March 2011
Day 4 - 4.20am
Writing this blog seems to give me some comfort. It’s like a friend to me. I wouldn’t give my attention to anything else at 4.20am in the morning put it that way! However with the events of last night, the pure night air and the song of the blackbird seem like a refreshing relief.
It turns out that He did get the text message! He was angry….Very angry! Angry at the fact that I’d put him through all that and now angry at the fact I wanted to try and make it all better. On the day that I ended things, the fact that he had broken down in tears surprised me as I didn’t think there was any water in that barren land! I certainly didn’t realize I meant anything to him. I thought he was just living with me for convenience and that all he had to do was bonk me every nownagain to keep me happy! (Although of course I was hoping that he might fall madly in love with me in the process). So you could say I was a little shocked at this sudden burst of emtion given the fact, His lack of it was the reason I wanted to split up.
Today He said, ‘what’s changed?’, ‘I’m still the same person who can’t love you in the way you want to be loved’. He was right of course. I was suffering from Post Traumatic Dumper Syndrome. That feeling of emptiness you get when it suddenly hits you they won’t be in your life the same way anymore. He saw right through me. I didn’t want to take the chance, so I got there first. I always thought that I might be at risk of being discharged as the GF given the fact that he was so adamant the family life wasn’t for him (as he admitted to me over posh eggs benedict in Dublin, winding me severely in the process). Now I’m coming to realize that there’s a big denial element in thoes who protest too much (speaking from experience of course). But anyway, the facts remains. Any amount of trust and respect he did have for me have vanished and so it looks like I’d have more success shaving a hedgehog than I would getting back with him.
So now here I am with an ex boyfriend who hates the sight of me and who is still living in the room next door. Coupled with an alcoholic 21 year old flat mate who can be unaware of her personal noise levels at 3am in the morning (hence the reason why I’m up!)…. So tomorrow…. In the nicest possible way and with respect, I shall ask him to ‘get his coat and fuck off’.
It turns out that He did get the text message! He was angry….Very angry! Angry at the fact that I’d put him through all that and now angry at the fact I wanted to try and make it all better. On the day that I ended things, the fact that he had broken down in tears surprised me as I didn’t think there was any water in that barren land! I certainly didn’t realize I meant anything to him. I thought he was just living with me for convenience and that all he had to do was bonk me every nownagain to keep me happy! (Although of course I was hoping that he might fall madly in love with me in the process). So you could say I was a little shocked at this sudden burst of emtion given the fact, His lack of it was the reason I wanted to split up.
Today He said, ‘what’s changed?’, ‘I’m still the same person who can’t love you in the way you want to be loved’. He was right of course. I was suffering from Post Traumatic Dumper Syndrome. That feeling of emptiness you get when it suddenly hits you they won’t be in your life the same way anymore. He saw right through me. I didn’t want to take the chance, so I got there first. I always thought that I might be at risk of being discharged as the GF given the fact that he was so adamant the family life wasn’t for him (as he admitted to me over posh eggs benedict in Dublin, winding me severely in the process). Now I’m coming to realize that there’s a big denial element in thoes who protest too much (speaking from experience of course). But anyway, the facts remains. Any amount of trust and respect he did have for me have vanished and so it looks like I’d have more success shaving a hedgehog than I would getting back with him.
So now here I am with an ex boyfriend who hates the sight of me and who is still living in the room next door. Coupled with an alcoholic 21 year old flat mate who can be unaware of her personal noise levels at 3am in the morning (hence the reason why I’m up!)…. So tomorrow…. In the nicest possible way and with respect, I shall ask him to ‘get his coat and fuck off’.
Day 3 - 6.23pm
I love motorbikes!!! Just come back from a bike lesson totally exhillerated... I wonder how long it will be before the adrenalin wears off? The good thing about today is that I've been occupied for most of it. Italian lesson in the morning, Intense Pulsed Light treatment in the finest Cheshire 'old hag' clinic, brief stop at home for a bite and then the bike lesson...
Today I am like a different person...
Last night I attempted to go see a friend but had to turn back on account of a mild panic attack at the thought of meeting her new fabulous boyfriend all the way from New York! I couldn't handle the idea of watching them swoon together while being reminded of my own dire situation at home. 'Salt in the wound' springs to mind. I just wanted to be with Him... He could take all this pain away...NOW! I was beginning to think I'd been too rash in asking him to move out. I got home after the failed social interaction attempt and fell into bed 'poor sick me' hoping to generate a little sympathy from the Boy In The Room Next Door. It worked for a bit (and my sickness was genuine). On account of the fact I was laying in the foetal position, I was able to meagerly announce my regret and remorse at ending things, almost asking for a reconcilliation but not quite. He kinda shurgged things off in his usual aloof, 'I don't go back on things' way but didn't actually say 'no way, bitch... YOU ended it, now YOU suffer the consequences!' So I thought I might be in for chance. I slept with my door open hoping he would do the same.
Whilst waiting for 9.10am to strike today (my Italian teacher is very specific about our lesson times), I sent Him a text saying, 'would you consider having me back? Think about it, I'll be back at noon (smiley face no kiss).' I popped back at noon.... nothing.... I've been home now for 30 mins.... nothing....no comment....not even a smile! Miseryguts! Is he being a complete arse or did the angels intercept that text message and send it to Mars?
The fact is right now I feel happy and to be honest, the more fucking mizzey he remains, the more I hope to God the angel's DID intercept that message!
Dr Wayne Dyer is now going to teach me how to implant positive meme's into my brain.... nice!
Today I am like a different person...
Last night I attempted to go see a friend but had to turn back on account of a mild panic attack at the thought of meeting her new fabulous boyfriend all the way from New York! I couldn't handle the idea of watching them swoon together while being reminded of my own dire situation at home. 'Salt in the wound' springs to mind. I just wanted to be with Him... He could take all this pain away...NOW! I was beginning to think I'd been too rash in asking him to move out. I got home after the failed social interaction attempt and fell into bed 'poor sick me' hoping to generate a little sympathy from the Boy In The Room Next Door. It worked for a bit (and my sickness was genuine). On account of the fact I was laying in the foetal position, I was able to meagerly announce my regret and remorse at ending things, almost asking for a reconcilliation but not quite. He kinda shurgged things off in his usual aloof, 'I don't go back on things' way but didn't actually say 'no way, bitch... YOU ended it, now YOU suffer the consequences!' So I thought I might be in for chance. I slept with my door open hoping he would do the same.
Whilst waiting for 9.10am to strike today (my Italian teacher is very specific about our lesson times), I sent Him a text saying, 'would you consider having me back? Think about it, I'll be back at noon (smiley face no kiss).' I popped back at noon.... nothing.... I've been home now for 30 mins.... nothing....no comment....not even a smile! Miseryguts! Is he being a complete arse or did the angels intercept that text message and send it to Mars?
The fact is right now I feel happy and to be honest, the more fucking mizzey he remains, the more I hope to God the angel's DID intercept that message!
Dr Wayne Dyer is now going to teach me how to implant positive meme's into my brain.... nice!
Thursday 24 March 2011
Day 2 - 1.33pm
Big Bad Bollocks! I know what's done it. My desire for forward planning has been misconstrued as needyness. My desire to know how he feels has been misconstrued as needyness. It's a beautiful sunny day outside and I have no idea what to do with it. I'm a mess.... only one thing to do .... meditate.... gather myself up then go for a severe workout!
Day 2 - 8.30am
This morning I broke down in my freshly made fruit smoothie (not Innocent I might add). I've been here before... this place, this agony, the arrows through my heart. The seemingly endless circuit of euphoria and despair. The sight of him, the sound of his voice drives knives into my solar plexus.... How does he feel? I wish I knew, yet, I know that somehow I have to take my attention away from him. Even though there's a background of pain, when I do, I feel a little better. I've already plotted my vision for this year but right now the thought of it doesn't fill me with delight... 'Pass motorbike test', 'learn Italian', 'social networking', 'nice holidays', 'build business/client base', 'cooking', 'dancing' etc etc. What's the point, without a man to share it with? Thinking about it, I don't think I've ever been happy for no reason. There's always been a pending visit from a shag buddie or boyfriend to pep me up. How will I get through this without falling for another man and will I come out the other side? Blind faith is called for. This feels like the spin into hell.
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Day 1 - 10.45pm
Note to self. Must remember that this blog is about me. It's so easy to go off on a rant about 'them'... must refrain.
Oh fuck it..... just this once.
I type in bed listening to his movements through the very thin walls that join the room next door...'what's he doing?' I daren't think! I don't want to think about the very thing he might be doing that would send me into a mouth watering frenzy. Hazy thoughts of the possibility of getting back together keep wafting through me followed by sex crazed text messages I'd like to send him, and then I remember that text he sent me (that prompted me to 'divorce' him) about me being too needy and that I promised I wouldn't but did.
This is the reason I'm doing this dear reader. I flit from being 'needy woosy female' to strong independant 'don't suffer fools' bitch from hell... perhaps my year without men will help to bring some balance back into my life in the form of inner courage, strength and resolve... all thoes wonderful words I can only apply to myself about a quarter of the time.
Oh fuck it..... just this once.
I type in bed listening to his movements through the very thin walls that join the room next door...'what's he doing?' I daren't think! I don't want to think about the very thing he might be doing that would send me into a mouth watering frenzy. Hazy thoughts of the possibility of getting back together keep wafting through me followed by sex crazed text messages I'd like to send him, and then I remember that text he sent me (that prompted me to 'divorce' him) about me being too needy and that I promised I wouldn't but did.
This is the reason I'm doing this dear reader. I flit from being 'needy woosy female' to strong independant 'don't suffer fools' bitch from hell... perhaps my year without men will help to bring some balance back into my life in the form of inner courage, strength and resolve... all thoes wonderful words I can only apply to myself about a quarter of the time.
Day 1 - 2.31pm
While he was at work, I took a shower and climbed into his bed (he just moved into the spare room the night before). I knew I shouldn't be there but I was born in the year of the cat (aka Rabbit) and you know how curious we are! I wanted to see what he saw when his head touched the pillow at night. I wanted to feel the pressure of the bed. This man, whom I had decided to split up with (not because I didn't love him but because he didn't love me back) had now become something of a mystery to me that had to be solved (or so it seemed). As I went into a post noon slumber, I felt the urge to masturbate. I resisted. The thought of firing up thoes neural receptors didn't fill me with delight as I knew they would trigger feelings of nostalgia, loss, abandonment and rejection. I didn't want to feel myself as that pathetic woman. So I laid there and felt the burn, until it thankfully subsided.
Day 1
Everything reminds me of sex (and him)... even the arrows on this blog look like giant circumsized penis's. My brain is amush with smut and I am concerned that I have set myself too virtous an undertaking. It is an unrealistic expectation for a woman in her prime? After all, I am a 35 year old childless, husbandless, hormone riddled sex/relationship addict!
I am a serial monogamist (well almost), bouncing from one partner to another, and in the gaps, enjoying the anticipation of being single only to fall into the lure of another 'unsuitable'. Why can't I say no? I have been told that it is all my doing. Something to do with my 'vibration' and the law of attraction. Ok... I get that. So that's why I've decided to 'take a year off' so to speak and clean up my vibration (eeewwww). The batteries have been removed from my vibrator and inserted into my other vibration raising device (something to do with magnets). Hopefully by then I'll be fixed and something of a 'suitable' will manifest. Karma and past life regurgitation can then fuck it's little arse off.
With temptation still residing in the room next door this is going to require more strength and mental focus than I thought I had.... Madonna had it when she said, 'rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac' (and I thought it was oysters... bugger!)
Great my neighbours are having sex again!
I am a serial monogamist (well almost), bouncing from one partner to another, and in the gaps, enjoying the anticipation of being single only to fall into the lure of another 'unsuitable'. Why can't I say no? I have been told that it is all my doing. Something to do with my 'vibration' and the law of attraction. Ok... I get that. So that's why I've decided to 'take a year off' so to speak and clean up my vibration (eeewwww). The batteries have been removed from my vibrator and inserted into my other vibration raising device (something to do with magnets). Hopefully by then I'll be fixed and something of a 'suitable' will manifest. Karma and past life regurgitation can then fuck it's little arse off.
With temptation still residing in the room next door this is going to require more strength and mental focus than I thought I had.... Madonna had it when she said, 'rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac' (and I thought it was oysters... bugger!)
Great my neighbours are having sex again!
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