Life has been very good recently. I've seen the abundance flow in. Cheques have been coming through the hole in the front door and I have been picking money off the money tree. All has been functioning well and there have no hold ups or inconveniences. Even on my way down to Dorset on Good Friday, I found a nice stream in the traffic which managed to get me there in a calm non tarey hairey outey kind of fashion.
However, I have noticed a little wobble in my demenour today. I will briefly point out where I am in relationship to where I want to be, just to put you in the picture. I am going to Italy on Sunday for two weeks to do a language course. I am frightened of going because I'm staying with a family that I don't know and I also don't want to leave Him. He also mentioned yesterday about what was going to happen after his contract expired at work (end of May) and if I was still considering living in Italy. I wobbled like a trifle. I don't want to think about it but I know I have to.
Life has the potential to be very exciting indeed. There is a lot of fun to be had and many many possibilities to encounter. And while I realise that it is perfectly normal to be shaking like a leaf, I acknowledge that it is simply a human fear reaction which I shall not give much attention to. I am going to tell a different story. Italy will be the most amazing experience ever. It is something that I am doing for myself. No one is forcing me. Everything that I've ever done off my own back has always been fantastic. Every risk I ever took has always reaped good results. So why should this be any different? As for my living situation with Him, that will sort itself out too, I'm sure. I don't feel the need to go backpacking as I'm in love with my work and the possibilities that that will bring, however I am open to small stints away and possibly living in Italy for 3 months or so next year. If he does decide to go backpacking for 4 months or so, I am interested to see what he has to say when I put my point forward about us having an open relationship. For someone so intent on monogamy, this will be interesting.
I will let you know.
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Monday, 11 April 2011
Cleaning up my vibration around money
I know this has nothing to do with being a wannabe reformed relationship addict but let's try it...
Money... ah that subject. I know that I'm a little resistant to money flowing into my life but I'm gonna try this. Hmmm.... this is much harder than I thought. I don't know where to start. I can start by appreciating everything that I've got right now. Even though there are things to be done, I just get my head down and do them without complaining. I like doing the 'mundane' things somethings as they give me an opportunity to just relax. I understand that in a parallell universe not too far away there is a version of Sally who has attracted lots of money into her life. And as I think about that version of me coming closer, I begin to feel better, more exhillerated. I can see her now..... (dream thought bubbles)
I remember the day when money started flowing to me. It was when I just relaxed, when I gave up the struggle. Right now, I don't even think about money. I love it know that it's a reflection of how much I value myself and the way that I feel. I know it will always be there ..even when it's not. Which is a strange concept but very freeing. Money started flowing to me when I gave up the struggle to find it. I always had enough to live on and I always did my bit. I just knew I would always make my payments at the end of each month and the money would always come in from somewhere. So after having done a few of these workshops, I noticed that thoughts started to come to me, horse names and numbers, ideas for books and songs. I became so enthused and excited by these that I started to relax and that's when they royalties and money started flowing in. I have recieved money from my book and learn to sing series 'I Can Make You Sing!' I teamed up with Paul McKenna for that one. I have money from this blog because the publishers loved it so much, with all it's juicy detail, I started getting mega royalities from my music and now I'm writing more of that. My life has just completely changed. All I did was this style of writing, open myself to new ideas flowing in as a result and then took inspired action. All of the action has felt very easy and natural to me. None of it hard work... I didn't even need to do that much.'
Right now I appreciate everything that I've got and everything that I've not got. I am sitting here in my office. I've had a fantastic weekend, the sun is pouring in and I have a beautiful day ahead of me doing the things I love doing.... Italian, motorbiking, singing and teaching. For now, that has to be good enough and it is. I am so excited about what's coming, it feels so close.
Money... ah that subject. I know that I'm a little resistant to money flowing into my life but I'm gonna try this. Hmmm.... this is much harder than I thought. I don't know where to start. I can start by appreciating everything that I've got right now. Even though there are things to be done, I just get my head down and do them without complaining. I like doing the 'mundane' things somethings as they give me an opportunity to just relax. I understand that in a parallell universe not too far away there is a version of Sally who has attracted lots of money into her life. And as I think about that version of me coming closer, I begin to feel better, more exhillerated. I can see her now..... (dream thought bubbles)
I remember the day when money started flowing to me. It was when I just relaxed, when I gave up the struggle. Right now, I don't even think about money. I love it know that it's a reflection of how much I value myself and the way that I feel. I know it will always be there ..even when it's not. Which is a strange concept but very freeing. Money started flowing to me when I gave up the struggle to find it. I always had enough to live on and I always did my bit. I just knew I would always make my payments at the end of each month and the money would always come in from somewhere. So after having done a few of these workshops, I noticed that thoughts started to come to me, horse names and numbers, ideas for books and songs. I became so enthused and excited by these that I started to relax and that's when they royalties and money started flowing in. I have recieved money from my book and learn to sing series 'I Can Make You Sing!' I teamed up with Paul McKenna for that one. I have money from this blog because the publishers loved it so much, with all it's juicy detail, I started getting mega royalities from my music and now I'm writing more of that. My life has just completely changed. All I did was this style of writing, open myself to new ideas flowing in as a result and then took inspired action. All of the action has felt very easy and natural to me. None of it hard work... I didn't even need to do that much.'
Right now I appreciate everything that I've got and everything that I've not got. I am sitting here in my office. I've had a fantastic weekend, the sun is pouring in and I have a beautiful day ahead of me doing the things I love doing.... Italian, motorbiking, singing and teaching. For now, that has to be good enough and it is. I am so excited about what's coming, it feels so close.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Day ? - I have no idea
The reason I've been silent is because I've been shagging all week. Mr Frosty has finally defrosted. This law of attraction thing WORKS! I've been rendevouzing with the best bits of him. The kindest and the sweetest. The intense and the surreal. He is a totally different person. By the end of the evening last night he let slip out of his mouth the phrase, 'I love you' and finally when we were in bed making love for the 7th time that week he said, 'You're growing on me I promised myself that you wouldn't, but you are.' He also made a 'joke' about coming inside me. He pretended to in order to watch my reaction. I didn't flinch and he said, 'it wouldn't bother you if I came inside you would it? At least you'd know I'd be staying around.' I laughed.
All day today we've been talking, shagging and holding hands.
We didn't win on the Grand National but now I know how this law of attraction thing works, I might be writing this blog from Barbados.
All day today we've been talking, shagging and holding hands.
We didn't win on the Grand National but now I know how this law of attraction thing works, I might be writing this blog from Barbados.
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Day 15 - 11.23am
I feel like doing more appreciation work.
The reason I like being with Him is because he's fun, yet also he has a serious side. I can learn lots from both. I love learning more about him and certainly haven't finished uncovering this multi faceted being. He suprises more and more each day and actually he goes very deep (even though he doesn't show it). I can understand and appreciate why he chooses to appear emotionless so that he can remain cool in order to get the job in hand done. His job is very demanding and requires large amounts of brain power, focus and concerntration. I really admire this about him. I love it when he lets his hair down and acts all goofy. It's lovely to see him relaxing and letting go (even though sometimes I have no idea what he's on about). Underneath it all, his feelings run deep and when he does want to be romantic, he doesn't do it by halves! (Pandora bracelt here we come!) He also had very high standards in everything that he does, which bodes well for me! Since I am the girl he's with.
Tomorrow, during my blog I will imagine what it feels like to wear a Pandora Bracelet (just for the fun of it)!
The reason I like being with Him is because he's fun, yet also he has a serious side. I can learn lots from both. I love learning more about him and certainly haven't finished uncovering this multi faceted being. He suprises more and more each day and actually he goes very deep (even though he doesn't show it). I can understand and appreciate why he chooses to appear emotionless so that he can remain cool in order to get the job in hand done. His job is very demanding and requires large amounts of brain power, focus and concerntration. I really admire this about him. I love it when he lets his hair down and acts all goofy. It's lovely to see him relaxing and letting go (even though sometimes I have no idea what he's on about). Underneath it all, his feelings run deep and when he does want to be romantic, he doesn't do it by halves! (Pandora bracelt here we come!) He also had very high standards in everything that he does, which bodes well for me! Since I am the girl he's with.
Tomorrow, during my blog I will imagine what it feels like to wear a Pandora Bracelet (just for the fun of it)!
Day 15 10.55am
Three miracles happened yesterday on account of my new found positivity. I went to see one of my lovely girlfriends/associates and I was complaining about how my private teaching work had dried up and that I was considering doing a beauty therapy job part time to supplement my income. Although I would have done it to make ends meet, the prospect didn't fill me huge amounts of joy. Anyway, we were disucssing things and she asked me the question, 'what is it you love about teaching?'. Using my new skills, I parlayed myself into such a good feeling place about teaching that my head was buzzing and I felt like I could burst into tears with pride and satisfaction. I said to her, won't it be interesting to see what happens now. At 3.43pm I recieved an email from a school in Manchester looking for a dynamic, young and experienced vocal coach! I have just been on the phone to them and the job is perfect for me. It will stretch me but that's what I want. I know I am capable and it's time to believe in myself again. I feel amazing to think that I am the creator of everything in my life and all I have to do is talk myself into a better feeling place.
Miracle number two. I was in a good mood yesterday and He was too when he got in from work. His bosses had acknowledged the hard work he had been doing and he'd been told that they wanted him to stay until June. Good news all round. He's loving his job, I get him for a few months longer along with all the perks that brings (extra cash, sex and company). He even went shopping for me the other night and came back with a cute little basket of flowers. (wow).
I've realised that when I clean up my energy and raise my vibration the law of attraction can only bring into my experience that which matches me. So my taking responsibility for my own mood, I literally bring out the best in Him (and everyone else).
He was pooped last night and fell into bed. I pottered around for a bit then climbed in with him. He was restless but fell asleep and so did I. Miracle number three. He woke me up 30 mins later with a raging hardon in my back! That's never happened before! It's mostly always me initiating sex. Even he was suprised! He thought I had been playing with his cock in his sleep, but no, I was just carelessly drifting off. It's amazing what happens when you just relax! If it was good enough for Frankie Goes To Hollywood.... you know the rest.
Miracle number two. I was in a good mood yesterday and He was too when he got in from work. His bosses had acknowledged the hard work he had been doing and he'd been told that they wanted him to stay until June. Good news all round. He's loving his job, I get him for a few months longer along with all the perks that brings (extra cash, sex and company). He even went shopping for me the other night and came back with a cute little basket of flowers. (wow).
I've realised that when I clean up my energy and raise my vibration the law of attraction can only bring into my experience that which matches me. So my taking responsibility for my own mood, I literally bring out the best in Him (and everyone else).
He was pooped last night and fell into bed. I pottered around for a bit then climbed in with him. He was restless but fell asleep and so did I. Miracle number three. He woke me up 30 mins later with a raging hardon in my back! That's never happened before! It's mostly always me initiating sex. Even he was suprised! He thought I had been playing with his cock in his sleep, but no, I was just carelessly drifting off. It's amazing what happens when you just relax! If it was good enough for Frankie Goes To Hollywood.... you know the rest.
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Day 14 - 8.21am
Time to try something new.... According to Abraham Hicks, you can parlay yourself into a better feeling place. Here goes....
I appreciate everything. The good the bad and the ugly. I love the way things always turn out for the best. I love the way life has a way of sorting stuff out. There really is no need to worry. I am in awe of this amazing relationship I am in and the way it is helping me to uncover the truth about who I really am. I am trying not to be afraid anymore. I am observing myself with a keen eye. I am fascinated by what I see and it doesn't really matter if I don't like what I see at times. Things really aren't always that bad, perhaps they are just worse in my head...if I just relax a little and take life a little easier without putting too many demands on myself to be superhuman and superwoman, then life would just flow better... this I know. There would be more hours in the day if I just took life a little slower... ahhhhh this feels good. No need to hurry, no need to stress. He always says this to me.... 'just relax! Everything is ok, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere'... that's comforting to me. I feel happy that I'm discovering my own power. Even though it's difficult for me sometimes, I am learning that speaking up and acting positivly is not a bad thing. It lets people know how I feel and where they stand. I like to know where I stand with people so why shouldn't the opposite be true. I've always pussy footed around people before, not wanting to upset the apple cart, but with recent events, I've had to stand my ground more. I've always thought this to be unspiritual, but actually it's an act of self love.
To me it feels much nicer to act from a place of compassion rather than neediness. I know that the Universe always fully supports me and all I have to do is turn my attention thoes things I want, without the feeling of the lack of them in my life and things that I want flow to me. Therefore, there is no need to be needy. Being needy means that I don't trust the Universe and I do.
The answer is always the same, distract myself, talk myself out of, just relax before I decend down the emotional scale towards anger, rage and indignation! There's always another explanation... there's always another side to the story. Even though I have really nasty thoughts sometimes, I know that they are not really me, they are a mere aspect of me which is pliable and can be easily massaged into something more positive. It's just passion at the end of day whether expressed via anger or joy.
Right now, I appreciate him so much. I admire him. He inspires me and believes in me. When he goes to his cave I may not like it but I accept it and in any case, it gives me the opportunity to either speak up and ask for a little attention (facing one of my fears....rejection...of course there is no rejection) or just do some stuff of my own. (I've taken to laying on his bed reading my bike mags or practising my Italian while he is playing World of Warcraft. That game is so complex and detailed it turns me on knowing that he's so brainy!)
Phew ok... this feels good....I'm going to try and keep on this positive path as much as possible... just because it feels good.
I appreciate everything. The good the bad and the ugly. I love the way things always turn out for the best. I love the way life has a way of sorting stuff out. There really is no need to worry. I am in awe of this amazing relationship I am in and the way it is helping me to uncover the truth about who I really am. I am trying not to be afraid anymore. I am observing myself with a keen eye. I am fascinated by what I see and it doesn't really matter if I don't like what I see at times. Things really aren't always that bad, perhaps they are just worse in my head...if I just relax a little and take life a little easier without putting too many demands on myself to be superhuman and superwoman, then life would just flow better... this I know. There would be more hours in the day if I just took life a little slower... ahhhhh this feels good. No need to hurry, no need to stress. He always says this to me.... 'just relax! Everything is ok, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere'... that's comforting to me. I feel happy that I'm discovering my own power. Even though it's difficult for me sometimes, I am learning that speaking up and acting positivly is not a bad thing. It lets people know how I feel and where they stand. I like to know where I stand with people so why shouldn't the opposite be true. I've always pussy footed around people before, not wanting to upset the apple cart, but with recent events, I've had to stand my ground more. I've always thought this to be unspiritual, but actually it's an act of self love.
To me it feels much nicer to act from a place of compassion rather than neediness. I know that the Universe always fully supports me and all I have to do is turn my attention thoes things I want, without the feeling of the lack of them in my life and things that I want flow to me. Therefore, there is no need to be needy. Being needy means that I don't trust the Universe and I do.
The answer is always the same, distract myself, talk myself out of, just relax before I decend down the emotional scale towards anger, rage and indignation! There's always another explanation... there's always another side to the story. Even though I have really nasty thoughts sometimes, I know that they are not really me, they are a mere aspect of me which is pliable and can be easily massaged into something more positive. It's just passion at the end of day whether expressed via anger or joy.
Right now, I appreciate him so much. I admire him. He inspires me and believes in me. When he goes to his cave I may not like it but I accept it and in any case, it gives me the opportunity to either speak up and ask for a little attention (facing one of my fears....rejection...of course there is no rejection) or just do some stuff of my own. (I've taken to laying on his bed reading my bike mags or practising my Italian while he is playing World of Warcraft. That game is so complex and detailed it turns me on knowing that he's so brainy!)
Phew ok... this feels good....I'm going to try and keep on this positive path as much as possible... just because it feels good.
Monday, 4 April 2011
Day 12 / 13 8.23am
Oh dear... tail beween legs. I arrived home yesterday and he was laying on his bed. I'd upset him. I'd made him unhappy with my door slamming, indrect facebook slagging off (although in my opinion I was merely expressing myself) and the fact that I left for London without saying goodbye. He also mentioned that I'd agreed to meet him down the Weatherspoons at 10.30pm on Friday night.... whoops. It's like we're living in paralell universes... We're are so different and potentially incompatibly but I am so drawn to him, like a bee to a honey pot. We lay on his bed yesterday quietly talking and discussing events. He was expressing his hurt and I was expressing mine..... Needless to say the 'make up' sex was fantastic. I've never been 'eaten out' so enthusiastically and even though it took me about 10 - 15 minutes to come, he was determined to carry on and make me come again. In that moment I felt so wanted in that he was want to spend extra time down there.
I've been thinking many things and this morning I thought maybe I should be the one to rise above all this. Now... I know about mirrors....Maybe he's aloof because I'm aloof.... maybe he's emotionally unavailable because I'm emotionally unavailable. This is what I shall work on. I shall not hold back anymore... I shall be myself. I shall not try and be this perfect woman around him. I will relax more. I will show him affection if I feel the urge. I will send him nice texts if I feel the urge too. Then if he does finish with me at least we can depart with dignity. Being an angry old bitch isn't exactly making me happy so this seems like a good alternative.
I rode my new XJ6 motorbike yesterday! WOW!
I've been thinking many things and this morning I thought maybe I should be the one to rise above all this. Now... I know about mirrors....Maybe he's aloof because I'm aloof.... maybe he's emotionally unavailable because I'm emotionally unavailable. This is what I shall work on. I shall not hold back anymore... I shall be myself. I shall not try and be this perfect woman around him. I will relax more. I will show him affection if I feel the urge. I will send him nice texts if I feel the urge too. Then if he does finish with me at least we can depart with dignity. Being an angry old bitch isn't exactly making me happy so this seems like a good alternative.
I rode my new XJ6 motorbike yesterday! WOW!
Saturday, 2 April 2011
Day 10 / 11 - 8.27pm
Huff.... puff.... I'll get there, I'll get there, (WHEN THE FUCK WILL I GET THERE!)....WHEN THE FUCK WILL I STOP LETTING MEN DICTATE MY HAPPINESS.
Yesterday (Friday) was a busy day. Italian lesson in the morning, lunch with an ex in the afternoon, tea with best friend, M&S to pick up new pyjamas, then I ran my singing workshop in the evening (which was fun fun fun). I got a text from Him at 10.10pm yesterday saying that he was popping to the Weatherspoon's pub for 'one'. Ok, I thought. Cool.... he needs to blow some steam, he's been working hard all week. We'd been getting on well all day and I thought, I might join him down the pub after my workshop... however, I was too knackered and so I went to bed (in my new sexy pyjamas).... Why does the silent night air bring up all sorts of inner most fears? When there's no distractions, up they bubble. I thought I was feeling 'sorted' but obviously not, my inner psyche was letting me know that there was still some unresolved shit to deal with. I kept looking at my phone, looking at the clock to see what time it was. I've been here before I thought. With the ex who I went to have lunch with today... in this very same house. I was horny (I always am). So I sent him a text. It said...'If you fancy some wild sex when you get in, feel free to wake me up (smiley face, no kiss)'... I left my door open... he came back.... ignored me and climbed into his own bed. I got up and slammed the door! If my dark knight of the soul wasn't dark enough, here came flooding in utter rejection, abandonment and lovelessness. Great! I would take me ages to get to sleep and I had to be up early to drive to London.
When morning came, I was glad, even though I was knackered. I got up EARLY (oh how he hates his sleep to be disturbed) and noisily started making my disgruntled presence known. Although we didn't share a room, we shared the same floorboards! I then left for London in my car, armed with Britney Spears power pop to get me through. Nothing like a bit of Britney to get the bitch back! Over and over again in my mind I just couldn't believe how he had ignored me last night. Surely any other normal man would have jumped at the chance of rattling a good woman's bones. What the hell is wrong with me? Or is it him that has the problem? Would it be better if I put a paper bag over my head!?
And then it dawned on me. He just doesn't love me at all does he, he has absolutely no feelings for me ... I'm not even sure he likes me. I've been checking my phone every fucking 15 mins today to see if he's text but no. I feel intense emotional agony..... again. But I do have a plan.... a calous, cold plan which involves being far more selfish than him (he'll be shocked when he realises he doesn't own that label). I want revenge on He Who Shall Not Show His Emotions. I want him to suffer as much as I've suffered. Surely this is not love!? Am I The Devil?
I'm looking forward to going on the back of my dad's MT01 tomorrow (google it... it's a monster of a bike!) and possibly riding my new bike for the first time tomorrow.
However much I try and take an altered (higher consciousness) perspective on this Shit, it still doesn't take the pain away. I will go to bed shortly and try to absorb it. Maybe the higher perspective will come after this Shit is over (and it will be over soon). I'm 35 years of age with over 200 relationships under my belt. I haven't been shit on in the past to learn nothing. Yes.... I actually do appreciate the contrast.... no, really I do! However, I think I might need beta blockers in the meantime.
palpitations
Yesterday (Friday) was a busy day. Italian lesson in the morning, lunch with an ex in the afternoon, tea with best friend, M&S to pick up new pyjamas, then I ran my singing workshop in the evening (which was fun fun fun). I got a text from Him at 10.10pm yesterday saying that he was popping to the Weatherspoon's pub for 'one'. Ok, I thought. Cool.... he needs to blow some steam, he's been working hard all week. We'd been getting on well all day and I thought, I might join him down the pub after my workshop... however, I was too knackered and so I went to bed (in my new sexy pyjamas).... Why does the silent night air bring up all sorts of inner most fears? When there's no distractions, up they bubble. I thought I was feeling 'sorted' but obviously not, my inner psyche was letting me know that there was still some unresolved shit to deal with. I kept looking at my phone, looking at the clock to see what time it was. I've been here before I thought. With the ex who I went to have lunch with today... in this very same house. I was horny (I always am). So I sent him a text. It said...'If you fancy some wild sex when you get in, feel free to wake me up (smiley face, no kiss)'... I left my door open... he came back.... ignored me and climbed into his own bed. I got up and slammed the door! If my dark knight of the soul wasn't dark enough, here came flooding in utter rejection, abandonment and lovelessness. Great! I would take me ages to get to sleep and I had to be up early to drive to London.
When morning came, I was glad, even though I was knackered. I got up EARLY (oh how he hates his sleep to be disturbed) and noisily started making my disgruntled presence known. Although we didn't share a room, we shared the same floorboards! I then left for London in my car, armed with Britney Spears power pop to get me through. Nothing like a bit of Britney to get the bitch back! Over and over again in my mind I just couldn't believe how he had ignored me last night. Surely any other normal man would have jumped at the chance of rattling a good woman's bones. What the hell is wrong with me? Or is it him that has the problem? Would it be better if I put a paper bag over my head!?
And then it dawned on me. He just doesn't love me at all does he, he has absolutely no feelings for me ... I'm not even sure he likes me. I've been checking my phone every fucking 15 mins today to see if he's text but no. I feel intense emotional agony..... again. But I do have a plan.... a calous, cold plan which involves being far more selfish than him (he'll be shocked when he realises he doesn't own that label). I want revenge on He Who Shall Not Show His Emotions. I want him to suffer as much as I've suffered. Surely this is not love!? Am I The Devil?
I'm looking forward to going on the back of my dad's MT01 tomorrow (google it... it's a monster of a bike!) and possibly riding my new bike for the first time tomorrow.
However much I try and take an altered (higher consciousness) perspective on this Shit, it still doesn't take the pain away. I will go to bed shortly and try to absorb it. Maybe the higher perspective will come after this Shit is over (and it will be over soon). I'm 35 years of age with over 200 relationships under my belt. I haven't been shit on in the past to learn nothing. Yes.... I actually do appreciate the contrast.... no, really I do! However, I think I might need beta blockers in the meantime.
palpitations
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