The End

During this conversation, in a wave of over earnestness I said that I didn't care about the Pandora bracelet and that I would rather have him express himself towards me. Showing me that he appreciated (maybe even loved) me would have meant more than any gorgeous precious metal wrist object that men usually buy women to show how much they mean (why the fuck did I say that!). He decided to bury his head in the sand and we resolved nothing after that conversation. I gave him his ultimatum and he decided to take the lazy/cowardly option of concluding nothing so as to stay in a broken relationship because it was easier than moving all his stuff out and going back to his parents.... hmm. After that night, the energy between us improved for about 2 seconds and then we were back to hating/resenting/being obsessed (just me) with each other again.

I needed to feel free, gorgeous like a woman, I needed to feel loved, worshiped, caressed, cared for and at the very least appreciated again. So I opted for the passions of a married man one Saturday night out with friends. Nothing happened. Apart from deep eye contact, close and personal conversation, intense snogging and gropping. It was like being 16 again... it was wonderful. I had absolutely no guilt. I loved it. I never saw him again. It was what it was and it was fucking yummy. Just what I needed.

Then I got invited to Amsterdam for a few days and when I returned He was ill. As sick as a dog. The stress from his project at work had finally taken it's toll on his body and he was shitting through the eye of a needle. What a great opportunity for Mother Garozzo to come out and play. I didn't need a second invitation to act out this past life wierdness. You know that sometimes when we made love I would pretend he was my son. A very sick little fetish but one that made me come every time. He managed to get a little better so that we could go to Silverstone on our motorbikes but fell ill again at the Hilton and so I called the Ambulance. Poor thing. I wanted to wrap Him up in cotton wool and chain him to my bed for decades, feeding him bland food, paracetomol and rehydration fluid. I had my role while he was sick and I loved it. He showed me appreciation. The smell of his morning breath was so sweet to me, I would have bottled it and used it a drawer fragrance.

Scitsophrenically, by the end of his week off, I was quite eager for him to get back to work. I needed my head space (often physical space is emotional space too) and I'd started feeling pissed off at him again as he played more and more World of Warcraft which switches him off from emotions such as compassion and gratitude. You get grunts every nownagain, but that's about it. By this time I was furious. "How could you?!" I thought. After all the TLC I've given you!!! At least I deserve a cuddle, a kiss, maybe even some sex? But no... his libido dissapeared. I had to start masturbating EVERY DAY. It did help a bit, but by the end of every night, anticipating the back turn and the first snore, I just started to close myself down. It was easier to be angry and resentlful of him for self protection purposes.

After the summer solstice something shifted. I felt the energy change. There was a certainty that the end was coming soon. I didn't know how but I knew I had to get him out of my house otherwise I would end up in a mental home after stabbing him and myself with a fork. I think it came as an unexpected shock to him and I don't think that he quite believed that it wasn't the alchol talking. On the eve of Saturday 25th June I asked him to make a phone call to his parents and tell them to make his bed up. On the hungover morning of the 26th, I hadn't changed my mind. I went to bed the night before shouting at myself "You can do this! You have to do this!" I prayed to God and Archangel Michel to give me the strength and courage to follow through and a coldness came over me. Without it I would have woosed out for sure. On the Sunday morning I left for a day out. An impromptu invitation to a Mind Body Spirit Festival saved the day. By the time I returned he had gone.

Back to square one?

Ho hum, dingalingaling... WTF! Italy was NOT what I thought it would be. It wasn't the answer to my prayers. It was a disaster. I hated mostely every minute of it. I longed to come home. My heart was here at Freshwater View. Having had therapy for it now I realise that I was trying to learn the language to please my father. 'Oh won't Daddy be proud of me if I can speak Italian! It's what he wants for me!' The fact is, I have very few fond memories of Italy/Sicily. When I was younger I got dragged there kicking and screaming. Everything about the place was different to what I was used to. Too much food, too much sun, too many people, too much noise, too much chaos, too many public displays of affection and no creature comforts (especially during the winter months). The people spoke differently, I couldn't understand them, I felt isolated and they all looked like wrinkly monsters... there was no joy to be had, apart from the odd Cannoli. So I went to Italy this time round, off my own back to try and make peace with it, but it failed. Ah well... lesson learned.

In the meantime... things have fucked up again with the man. I don't know if it can be resolved this time, even though I want it to. I think we are too different. He is very inflexible and I won't settle for second best. I am second best to a computer game... He's having flat screen affair! After work I think it's nice to talk, to bond, to share cooking or walking but no... he runs to his cave. When I do talk to him, he appears disinterested. Of late, I think we've been as bad as each other. I just can't be arsed listening to his negative slagging off of other people, even if it is in jest. I had so much fun on Saturday afternoon in Manchester with a mate that when I met Him later that night, my mood just dropped...and I thought, 'what am I doing here?' I just can't seem to be myself around him. He just looks at me funny when I am. What's that all about?

I want to try and work on things but he reckons we are unworkeroutable. I said that if he wants to finish it, I want him out over the weekend! He wasn't impressed.

He's due home any minute... I'll let you know how it goes.

Life has been good

Life has been very good recently. I've seen the abundance flow in. Cheques have been coming through the hole in the front door and I have been picking money off the money tree. All has been functioning well and there have no hold ups or inconveniences. Even on my way down to Dorset on Good Friday, I found a nice stream in the traffic which managed to get me there in a calm non tarey hairey outey kind of fashion.

However, I have noticed a little wobble in my demenour today. I will briefly point out where I am in relationship to where I want to be, just to put you in the picture. I am going to Italy on Sunday for two weeks to do a language course. I am frightened of going because I'm staying with a family that I don't know and I also don't want to leave Him. He also mentioned yesterday about what was going to happen after his contract expired at work (end of May) and if I was still considering living in Italy. I wobbled like a trifle. I don't want to think about it but I know I have to.

Life has the potential to be very exciting indeed. There is a lot of fun to be had and many many possibilities to encounter. And while I realise that it is perfectly normal to be shaking like a leaf, I acknowledge that it is simply a human fear reaction which I shall not give much attention to. I am going to tell a different story. Italy will be the most amazing experience ever. It is something that I am doing for myself. No one is forcing me. Everything that I've ever done off my own back has always been fantastic. Every risk I ever took has always reaped good results. So why should this be any different? As for my living situation with Him, that will sort itself out too, I'm sure. I don't feel the need to go backpacking as I'm in love with my work and the possibilities that that will bring, however I am open to small stints away and possibly living in Italy for 3 months or so next year. If he does decide to go backpacking for 4 months or so, I am interested to see what he has to say when I put my point forward about us having an open relationship. For someone so intent on monogamy, this will be interesting.

I will let you know.

Cleaning up my vibration around money

I know this has nothing to do with being a wannabe reformed relationship addict but let's try it...

Money... ah that subject. I know that I'm a little resistant to money flowing into my life but I'm gonna try this. Hmmm.... this is much harder than I thought. I don't know where to start. I can start by appreciating everything that I've got right now. Even though there are things to be done, I just get my head down and do them without complaining. I like doing the 'mundane' things somethings as they give me an opportunity to just relax. I understand that in a parallell universe not too far away there is a version of Sally who has attracted lots of money into her life. And as I think about that version of me coming closer, I begin to feel better, more exhillerated. I can see her now..... (dream thought bubbles)

I remember the day when money started flowing to me. It was when I just relaxed, when I gave up the struggle. Right now, I don't even think about money. I love it know that it's a reflection of how much I value myself and the way that I feel. I know it will always be there ..even when it's not. Which is a strange concept but very freeing. Money started flowing to me when I gave up the struggle to find it. I always had enough to live on and I always did my bit. I just knew I would always make my payments at the end of each month and the money would always come in from somewhere. So after having done a few of these workshops, I noticed that thoughts started to come to me, horse names and numbers, ideas for books and songs. I became so enthused and excited by these that I started to relax and that's when they royalties and money started flowing in. I have recieved money from my book and learn to sing series 'I Can Make You Sing!' I teamed up with Paul McKenna for that one. I have money from this blog because the publishers loved it so much, with all it's juicy detail, I started getting mega royalities from my music and now I'm writing more of that. My life has just completely changed. All I did was this style of writing, open myself to new ideas flowing in as a result and then took inspired action. All of the action has felt very easy and natural to me. None of it hard work... I didn't even need to do that much.'

Right now I appreciate everything that I've got and everything that I've not got. I am sitting here in my office. I've had a fantastic weekend, the sun is pouring in and I have a beautiful day ahead of me doing the things I love doing.... Italian, motorbiking, singing and teaching. For now, that has to be good enough and it is. I am so excited about what's coming, it feels so close.

Day ? - I have no idea

The reason I've been silent is because I've been shagging all week. Mr Frosty has finally defrosted. This law of attraction thing WORKS! I've been rendevouzing with the best bits of him. The kindest and the sweetest. The intense and the surreal. He is a totally different person. By the end of the evening last night he let slip out of his mouth the phrase, 'I love you' and finally when we were in bed making love for the 7th time that week he said, 'You're growing on me I promised myself that you wouldn't, but you are.' He also made a 'joke' about coming inside me. He pretended to in order to watch my reaction. I didn't flinch and he said, 'it wouldn't bother you if I came inside you would it? At least you'd know I'd be staying around.' I laughed.

All day today we've been talking, shagging and holding hands.

We didn't win on the Grand National but now I know how this law of attraction thing works, I might be writing this blog from Barbados.

Day 15 - 11.23am

I feel like doing more appreciation work.

The reason I like being with Him is because he's fun, yet also he has a serious side. I can learn lots from both. I love learning more about him and certainly haven't finished uncovering this multi faceted being. He suprises more and more each day and actually he goes very deep (even though he doesn't show it). I can understand and appreciate why he chooses to appear emotionless so that he can remain cool in order to get the job in hand done. His job is very demanding and requires large amounts of brain power, focus and concerntration. I really admire this about him. I love it when he lets his hair down and acts all goofy. It's lovely to see him relaxing and letting go (even though sometimes I have no idea what he's on about). Underneath it all, his feelings run deep and when he does want to be romantic, he doesn't do it by halves! (Pandora bracelt here we come!) He also had very high standards in everything that he does, which bodes well for me! Since I am the girl he's with.

Tomorrow, during my blog I will imagine what it feels like to wear a Pandora Bracelet (just for the fun of it)!

Day 15 10.55am

Three miracles happened yesterday on account of my new found positivity. I went to see one of my lovely girlfriends/associates and I was complaining about how my private teaching work had dried up and that I was considering doing a beauty therapy job part time to supplement my income. Although I would have done it to make ends meet, the prospect didn't fill me huge amounts of joy. Anyway, we were disucssing things and she asked me the question, 'what is it you love about teaching?'. Using my new skills, I parlayed myself into such a good feeling place about teaching that my head was buzzing and I felt like I could burst into tears with pride and satisfaction. I said to her, won't it be interesting to see what happens now. At 3.43pm I recieved an email from a school in Manchester looking for a dynamic, young and experienced vocal coach! I have just been on the phone to them and the job is perfect for me. It will stretch me but that's what I want. I know I am capable and it's time to believe in myself again. I feel amazing to think that I am the creator of everything in my life and all I have to do is talk myself into a better feeling place.

Miracle number two. I was in a good mood yesterday and He was too when he got in from work. His bosses had acknowledged the hard work he had been doing and he'd been told that they wanted him to stay until June. Good news all round. He's loving his job, I get him for a few months longer along with all the perks that brings (extra cash, sex and company). He even went shopping for me the other night and came back with a cute little basket of flowers. (wow).

I've realised that when I clean up my energy and raise my vibration the law of attraction can only bring into my experience that which matches me. So my taking responsibility for my own mood, I literally bring out the best in Him (and everyone else).

He was pooped last night and fell into bed. I pottered around for a bit then climbed in with him. He was restless but fell asleep and so did I. Miracle number three. He woke me up 30 mins later with a raging hardon in my back! That's never happened before! It's mostly always me initiating sex. Even he was suprised! He thought I had been playing with his cock in his sleep, but no, I was just carelessly drifting off. It's amazing what happens when you just relax! If it was good enough for Frankie Goes To Hollywood.... you know the rest.